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First Prize for The Wildest Family Christmas


This is an article allegedly submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..


I can't wait until next Christmas.


Contributor: Terry H




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Snowing Heavily

Just rang a friend of mine from North Dakota, nea the Canadian border. He said that from very early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and still falling. Temperature dropping way below zero and the bitterly cold northerly wind is increasing to very near gale force.

He reckons his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets any worse he may have to let her in.





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Definitions Conflict


Jennifer's girlfriend was relating, "Well after over a half hour of pretty heavy making out, I asked him, "Are you ready for some oral sex now'"?

Angela commented, "Oh wow, I bet he jumped at that suggestion"?

Jennifer replied and said "Yeah he did, but he damn nearly fell off the couch when I said, 'Good! ... then you can go home and call me"!




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Two Buddies Fishing


...but they haven’t caught anything all day. Just then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish"?

The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish".

Both mates thank him and go start to walk further up the stream.

Twenty minutes later, the first fisherman says to his mate "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty".

Second mate dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some and says "Nope. Still salty".

Thirty minutes later the first mate asks his mate to check again.

Second mate says "Nope, still salty".

An hour later first mate asks to check again.

Second mate says "Nope. Still salty".

First mate says "I don't understand this at all, we have been walking for almost two hours, and the water is still salty"!

Second mate says "I know, I can't understand it either and the bucket is almost empty"!






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Did You See Santa in the Nude?


Strictly for Adults Only:

Scroll down to see Nude Santa






































For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa!



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The Number One Rule for a Long and Happy Marriage



People ask me, "Henry, you've been happily married now for 40 years. What's your secret"?

And I say, "You'll have to speak up, I'm as deaf as a post".




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Good News Vs Bad News


The Good News:
I shot my first Christmas turkey yesterday.

The Bad News:
The gunshot scared the heck out of everyone in the Frozen Food section.
I've been banned for life from Whole Foods Markets.

Getting old is lots of fun, but it seems to always comes with a price.....



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Eve's Side of the Story


After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going ?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem...

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation ?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'but for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story ?




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Google Adsense

Did you hear that Google is now offering free email accounts that are 500 times bigger than Yahoo's or MSN's accounts?

Yep, but there is a catch: Google plans on reading your mail and then delivering ads based upon the content of the email.

So if your wife sends you a note saying, "If you don't figure out a way to get your dick hard, then I'm going to be forced to bone Santos our pool boy."

Then Google will include three ads in her message:

  • first for V/agra to offer help for your problematic erectile dysfunction


  • second for Purina dog food to help build healthy bones


  • and to satisfy the most important need - a local pool service.





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Twenty Dollars Contempt of Court


A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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