Thursday 22nd August 2019 - 01:50:50 

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Shopping for a New Sofa

Pete and I were looking at a new sofa in the furniture store.

Pete said to the salesman, "we really like it but we cannot afford to buy it.

The saleman said, "No problem, you just make a small down payment then you don't need to make another payment for six months".

What a flippin cheek! Who told then about us?



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The Rabbi's Widow


In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died.

His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again.

But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.

However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

After the marriage, Friday came.

She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities).

Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex."

So they did.

She lit the candles.

He leaned over again and said, "My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."

So they did.

They went to bed after saying their prayers.

When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex."

So they did.

After praying all morning, they came home to rest.

Again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.

On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?"

She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family."


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Going Downtown


A man and his girlfriend were snogging and they were getting quite hot. Suddenly he asks her to "go downtown".

With a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his privates, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing"?

She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money - just looking".




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Nude Pictures

The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.

"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel", says the husband.

"I just feel more comfortable this way", the wife responds.

"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state", continues the husband.

The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time", he responds and gets his picture then heading for shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.

"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return", demands the wife. The Husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.

"What will you do with this photo of me, then" asks the husband?

The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. "I think I'll have it enlarged", she finally responds.






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Gun Logic 101

An interesting letter in a New Zealand Shooter Magazine the other week, which I quote:

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months and a total of 2112 deaths; that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington, DC is 80.8 per 100,000 for the same period.

That means you are more than 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which incidentally has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S. than you are in Iraq".

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington.




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Her Prayers Answered

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen"!

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never"!

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer".

"Really" my grand-son asked? "Cross my heart" the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes".

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old b i t c h "!!!






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First Prize for The Wildest Family Christmas


This is an article allegedly submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..


I can't wait until next Christmas.


Contributor: Terry H




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Snowing Heavily

Just rang a friend of mine from North Dakota, nea the Canadian border. He said that from very early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and still falling. Temperature dropping way below zero and the bitterly cold northerly wind is increasing to very near gale force.

He reckons his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets any worse he may have to let her in.





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Definitions Conflict


Jennifer's girlfriend was relating, "Well after over a half hour of pretty heavy making out, I asked him, "Are you ready for some oral sex now'"?

Angela commented, "Oh wow, I bet he jumped at that suggestion"?

Jennifer replied and said "Yeah he did, but he damn nearly fell off the couch when I said, 'Good! ... then you can go home and call me"!




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Two Buddies Fishing


...but they haven’t caught anything all day. Just then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish"?

The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish".

Both mates thank him and go start to walk further up the stream.

Twenty minutes later, the first fisherman says to his mate "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty".

Second mate dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some and says "Nope. Still salty".

Thirty minutes later the first mate asks his mate to check again.

Second mate says "Nope, still salty".

An hour later first mate asks to check again.

Second mate says "Nope. Still salty".

First mate says "I don't understand this at all, we have been walking for almost two hours, and the water is still salty"!

Second mate says "I know, I can't understand it either and the bucket is almost empty"!






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The idea is to die young as late as possible

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Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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