Thursday 29th October 2020 - 14:54:28 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly

A New Phenomenom Called Emooning

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by



Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) an ass hole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_)kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!

Send this to 5 people within the next hour and you will be blessed with people laughing at your email.

Contributor: Jem

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

A Doctor in Texas

A small town Texas Doctor was famous in the area for always catching the biggest fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales...

The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Salesman Meets his Wife in the Hotel Lobby

A tired salesman pulls into a hotel around midnight.

Exhausted after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the salesman notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here. I'll need a double room for the night".

The next morning, he comes to settle his bill and finds the amount to be over $3000.

"What's the meaning of this" he yells at the clerk? "I've only been here for one night"!

"Yes", says the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks"!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Wonderful Flu

Jed ran into Mickey yesterday. He had been down for a few days with the flu. Jed asked him how he was feeling.

"I'm better, thanks," replied Mickey. "You know, it was a wonderful experience".

"Wonderful" asked Jed? "How can the flu be wonderful"?

"Well", said Mickey, "I learned that Suzanne really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, she ran out to meet them. 'My husband is home! My husband is home!' I could hear her telling them".

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Shopping for a New Sofa

Pete and I were looking at a new sofa in the furniture store.

Pete said to the salesman, "we really like it but we cannot afford to buy it.

The saleman said, "No problem, you just make a small down payment then you don't need to make another payment for six months".

What a flippin cheek! Who told then about us?

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

The Rabbi's Widow

In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died.

His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again.

But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.

However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

After the marriage, Friday came.

She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities).

Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex."

So they did.

She lit the candles.

He leaned over again and said, "My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."

So they did.

They went to bed after saying their prayers.

When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex."

So they did.

After praying all morning, they came home to rest.

Again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.

On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?"

She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family."

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Going Downtown

A man and his girlfriend were snogging and they were getting quite hot. Suddenly he asks her to "go downtown".

With a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his privates, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing"?

She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money - just looking".

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Nude Pictures

The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.

"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel", says the husband.

"I just feel more comfortable this way", the wife responds.

"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state", continues the husband.

The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time", he responds and gets his picture then heading for shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.

"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return", demands the wife. The Husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.

"What will you do with this photo of me, then" asks the husband?

The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. "I think I'll have it enlarged", she finally responds.

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Gun Logic 101

An interesting letter in a New Zealand Shooter Magazine the other week, which I quote:

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months and a total of 2112 deaths; that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington, DC is 80.8 per 100,000 for the same period.

That means you are more than 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which incidentally has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S. than you are in Iraq".

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington.

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Her Prayers Answered

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen"!

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never"!

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer".

"Really" my grand-son asked? "Cross my heart" the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes".

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old b i t c h "!!!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Old Jokes   183    184    185    186  187  188    189    190    191   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.11  Debug: / 701,480Mb / 14:54:28 / 200 / No Errors