Tuesday 12th November 2019 - 20:08:25 

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Latest Advice from My Stockbroker



I asked my stockbroker what I should be buying.

He said, "If Barack Obama. remains in office much longer then canned goods a generator, water and ammunition are a good buy".


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A Touching Love Story


A boy loved a girl but was far too shy to tell her and never proposed her.

One night he could not sleep because he was thinking of her so he decided to tell her at 1 o'clock in the early morning.

His typed an SMS saying "I Love You" and sent it.

To his surprise he got a reply to his message within a few seconds!

He decided to sleep, maybe dream and save the surprise for next day.

In the morning he woke with anticipation and read the message...

...he was overcome and shocked because of what was written:
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Message sending failed due to insufficient balance! Please recharge your account.



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Now I Know Where Chickpeas Come from


A young lawyer attended a seminar on motivation and the benefit of several revenue streams. Inspired by the talk the young lawyer decided to try his hand at part-time poultry farming to earn some extra income. To start the poultry farm he bought his first lot of one hundred chickens.

A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

Another month went by and the young lawyer returned again for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died.

The chicken salesman was very alarmed at the new farmer's string of bad luck; besides if word got around town, others might think the quality of his chickens was poor and that would be disastrous for business. So he asked the part-time farmer, "So do you think you are having a string of bad luck or just what seems to be your problem"?

"I think I now have a sense of where I'm going wrong", said the young lawyer and now nearly a full-time farmer. "I think I might be planting my chickens just a little bit too deep".





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A New Phenomenom Called Emooning


We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) an ass hole


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_)kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!


Send this to 5 people within the next hour and you will be blessed with people laughing at your email.


Contributor: Jem


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A Doctor in Texas


A small town Texas Doctor was famous in the area for always catching the biggest fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales...

The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz





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Salesman Meets his Wife in the Hotel Lobby


A tired salesman pulls into a hotel around midnight.

Exhausted after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the salesman notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here. I'll need a double room for the night".

The next morning, he comes to settle his bill and finds the amount to be over $3000.

"What's the meaning of this" he yells at the clerk? "I've only been here for one night"!

"Yes", says the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks"!



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Wonderful Flu


Jed ran into Mickey yesterday. He had been down for a few days with the flu. Jed asked him how he was feeling.

"I'm better, thanks," replied Mickey. "You know, it was a wonderful experience".

"Wonderful" asked Jed? "How can the flu be wonderful"?

"Well", said Mickey, "I learned that Suzanne really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, she ran out to meet them. 'My husband is home! My husband is home!' I could hear her telling them".


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Shopping for a New Sofa

Pete and I were looking at a new sofa in the furniture store.

Pete said to the salesman, "we really like it but we cannot afford to buy it.

The saleman said, "No problem, you just make a small down payment then you don't need to make another payment for six months".

What a flippin cheek! Who told then about us?



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The Rabbi's Widow


In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died.

His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again.

But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.

However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

After the marriage, Friday came.

She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities).

Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex."

So they did.

She lit the candles.

He leaned over again and said, "My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."

So they did.

They went to bed after saying their prayers.

When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex."

So they did.

After praying all morning, they came home to rest.

Again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.

On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?"

She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family."


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Going Downtown


A man and his girlfriend were snogging and they were getting quite hot. Suddenly he asks her to "go downtown".

With a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his privates, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing"?

She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money - just looking".




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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