Friday 24th May 2019 - 18:34:13 

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Even More One-liners

Last night I reached for my medicine and accidentally drank from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.


My Girlfriend had a Near-Death experience today......Stupid woman thought she could Hoover whilst football was on the tele


Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life....Like my name ,address and telephone number


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Beehive matches his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards. All I said was, 'hurry up for Christ's sake ............ some of us have got homes to go to!'


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!


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After a Visit to a Massage Parlour

...a man discovers a painful lump on his willy, so he goes to see his doctor.

"I'm afraid this is serious", the doctor says after examining him. "You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear"?

"Yes", the man replies shakily.

"Well" said the doctor "it looks like you've got a brothel sprout".


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After the Baby Was Born

A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when the baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look anything like my son".

The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either but what do you think this - some new fangled photo copier"!!!






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Little Johnny Thinking Brick

The teacher was having a creative writing lesson in her English class. She put a brick on her desk and asked children to tell her what came into their mind when they saw the brick.

The first kid said, "I think about my dad. He is a construction worker".

Another said, "I think about our new house".

Then the teacher thought, "Why don't I ask Johnny? After all, what can he say about a brick that would be improper?" So she asked, "Johnny, what do you think about when you see this brick"?

Johnny said, "Naked chicks"!

The teacher was horrified, "But why, Johnny? Why? This is a brick"!

Johnny said, "But that's what I always think about"!



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An Australian Soldier’s Wife Confesses


This came from a Soldier’s wife. It says it all:

I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power twelve months ago.

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Julia Gillard took her oath of office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS Soldiers in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the Prime Minister.

It was then that I realized how far Australia's military had deteriorated.


Every one of them missed the bitch


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Would You Have Passed this Student?

Exam' questions:

In which battle did Napoleon die?
# his last battle.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
# at the bottom of the page.

River Ravi flows in which state?
# liquid.

What is the main reason for divorce?
# marriage.

What is the main reason for failure?
# exams.

What can you never eat for breakfast?
# Lunch & dinner.

What looks like half an apple?
#The other half.

If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
#It will simply become wet.

How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
#No problem, he sleeps at night.

How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
#You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
#Very large hands.

If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
#No time at all, the wall is already built.

How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
#Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.








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Solved - A Loving Present for the Girlfriend


The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that the present was for his girlfriend's seventeenth birthday and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 17 roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 17-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife".

The young man bought a dozen roses.



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Proof that Men Just Don't Listen


She said: Pay attention






He said: Put it with the rest of the unpaid bills.



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Latest Advice from My Stockbroker



I asked my stockbroker what I should be buying.

He said, "If Barack Obama. remains in office much longer then canned goods a generator, water and ammunition are a good buy".


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A Touching Love Story


A boy loved a girl but was far too shy to tell her and never proposed her.

One night he could not sleep because he was thinking of her so he decided to tell her at 1 o'clock in the early morning.

His typed an SMS saying "I Love You" and sent it.

To his surprise he got a reply to his message within a few seconds!

He decided to sleep, maybe dream and save the surprise for next day.

In the morning he woke with anticipation and read the message...

...he was overcome and shocked because of what was written:
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Message sending failed due to insufficient balance! Please recharge your account.



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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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