Sunday 28th June 2020 - 16:21:12 

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20 Rules of Life Updated

  1. I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

  2. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

  3. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

  4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.

  5. I love deadlines.
    I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

  6. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

  7. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

  8. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
    My reality check bounced.

  9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

  10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

  11. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

  12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

  13. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

  14. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

  15. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

  16. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

  17. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

  18. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

  19. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

  20. We will continue to have meetings until we figure out why nothing is being accomplished.

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Even More One-liners

Last night I reached for my medicine and accidentally drank from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

My Girlfriend had a Near-Death experience today......Stupid woman thought she could Hoover whilst football was on the tele

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life....Like my name ,address and telephone number

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Beehive matches his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards. All I said was, 'hurry up for Christ's sake ............ some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

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After a Visit to a Massage Parlour

...a man discovers a painful lump on his willy, so he goes to see his doctor.

"I'm afraid this is serious", the doctor says after examining him. "You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear"?

"Yes", the man replies shakily.

"Well" said the doctor "it looks like you've got a brothel sprout".

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After the Baby Was Born

A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when the baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look anything like my son".

The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either but what do you think this - some new fangled photo copier"!!!

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Little Johnny Thinking Brick

The teacher was having a creative writing lesson in her English class. She put a brick on her desk and asked children to tell her what came into their mind when they saw the brick.

The first kid said, "I think about my dad. He is a construction worker".

Another said, "I think about our new house".

Then the teacher thought, "Why don't I ask Johnny? After all, what can he say about a brick that would be improper?" So she asked, "Johnny, what do you think about when you see this brick"?

Johnny said, "Naked chicks"!

The teacher was horrified, "But why, Johnny? Why? This is a brick"!

Johnny said, "But that's what I always think about"!

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An Australian Soldier’s Wife Confesses

This came from a Soldier’s wife. It says it all:

I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power twelve months ago.

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Julia Gillard took her oath of office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS Soldiers in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the Prime Minister.

It was then that I realized how far Australia's military had deteriorated.

Every one of them missed the bitch

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Would You Have Passed this Student?

Exam' questions:

In which battle did Napoleon die?
# his last battle.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
# at the bottom of the page.

River Ravi flows in which state?
# liquid.

What is the main reason for divorce?
# marriage.

What is the main reason for failure?
# exams.

What can you never eat for breakfast?
# Lunch & dinner.

What looks like half an apple?
#The other half.

If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
#It will simply become wet.

How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
#No problem, he sleeps at night.

How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
#You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
#Very large hands.

If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
#No time at all, the wall is already built.

How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
#Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

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Solved - A Loving Present for the Girlfriend

The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that the present was for his girlfriend's seventeenth birthday and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 17 roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 17-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife".

The young man bought a dozen roses.

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Proof that Men Just Don't Listen

She said: Pay attention

He said: Put it with the rest of the unpaid bills.

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Latest Advice from My Stockbroker

I asked my stockbroker what I should be buying.

He said, "If Barack Obama. remains in office much longer then canned goods a generator, water and ammunition are a good buy".

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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