Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 20:33:27 

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10 Funny Signs

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

1. At a Santa Fe gas station: “We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

2. In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

3. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy"

4. On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot."

5. In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

6. In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed."

8. In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy."

9. In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home."

10. In a New York medical building: “Mental Health Prevention Center"

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A Randy Wife's Request to her Husband

Last night down the pub a bloke was saying that his wife told him to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that "help" get an erection.

He said "You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her some diet pills!"

Contributor: Terry H

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An out of Work Salesman Spent Months Planning

...for the bank heist of the century. He ended up robbing a main vault of one of the biggest banks in the United States. It went off without a hitch, except that he forgot to disable one of the security cameras, and when he got home that night to count his cash, he found his face plastered all over the newspaper and television news.

The salesman laid low, but it was pretty obvious that with all this attention it was only a matter of days until he would be apprehended. Then he was struck with a brilliant idea. He pulled on a baseball cap and sunglasses, jumped into his car and drove to the local offices of an offshore telemarketing firm, where he forced them at gunpoint to agree to sign a five year complete promotions and publicity campaign. The offshore contract guaranteed excellent results with this comprehensive campaign.

The salesman was never seen or heard from again.

Moral of the story: Sometimes it may be better to just not get what you pay for.

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The Dog Who Liked Melons

Watch out for another groaner:)

One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a strange appetite, fostered no doubt, because the dog fancier's kennel was deep in the southern United States.

The odd youngster spurned regular dog food, no meaty tid-bits could tempt him and he hated dog biscuits.

Just in time to save the little dog's life, the owner found he would eat nothing but melons.

He doted on them.

His brother pups could not understand this and they teased him unmercifully.

He became the butt of their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper and shiver in a corner.

His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her and she said "Come to me, my melon....... collie......... baby".

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A Little Problem with Accents

I was in the pub on Friday night.

I noticed two large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland"?

One of them chirped "It's WALES you idiot"!!!

So I immediately apologised and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland"?

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Did You Hear About Ol' Blue

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

Contributor: Irving P

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A Special 25th Wedding Anniversary Present

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.

"Oh, it's not over yet," says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation and finds two little white pills. "What in the world are these?" she asks.

"Aspirin," he replies.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.

"GOTCHA!" he replies.

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Wife Found Alive in Coffin

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held in the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"

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20 Rules of Life Updated

  1. I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

  2. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

  3. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

  4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.

  5. I love deadlines.
    I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

  6. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

  7. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

  8. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
    My reality check bounced.

  9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

  10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

  11. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

  12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

  13. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

  14. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

  15. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

  16. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

  17. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

  18. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

  19. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

  20. We will continue to have meetings until we figure out why nothing is being accomplished.

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Even More One-liners

Last night I reached for my medicine and accidentally drank from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

My Girlfriend had a Near-Death experience today......Stupid woman thought she could Hoover whilst football was on the tele

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life....Like my name ,address and telephone number

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Beehive matches his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards. All I said was, 'hurry up for Christ's sake ............ some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

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Old Jokes   185    186    187    188  189  190    191    192    193   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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