Tuesday 3rd November 2020 - 12:11:36 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly

How to Guess what Day a Woman is Born

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

More from The Mouth's of Babes

MELANIE (age 5)
asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3)
hugged and kissed his Mom good night 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4)
had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4)
was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..'

DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5)
was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4)
was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY(age 4)
was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4)
was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget..
This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

NIAMH (age 4)
was trying on many shoes at a local shoe shop and she kept staring at the assistant and then looking round to her mummy until she eventually got more bemused by the assistant's looks and then said in not too quiet a voice, mummy why does that lady have a moustache. At that point they hastily left the shoe shop!

You may also like: From the Mouth's of Babes

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Obama and Little Johnny

Obama visits a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers to answer some questions.

First a little girl puts up his hand, and Obama asks for her name.

"Suzanne," responds the little girl.

"And what is your question, Suzanne"?

"I have four questions:

First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?

Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, Why are we lending mega bucks to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. The teacher says they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: Question time.. Who has a question"?

Little Johnny puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks for his name.

"Johnny" he responds.

"And what is your question, Johnny"?

"Actually, I have two questions.

First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, Where is Suzanne"?

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

A Blond Father

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.

One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "OK, so who's the other father"?

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

The Pearl Necklace Gift

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed, that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means"?

"I promise, that you will know tonight, my love" he said.

That evening, the man came home a little late from work with a small package and gave it to his eager wife with a smile.

She was brimming with anticipation as she unwrapped the thoughtful gift.

After removing the rose colored gift wrap she discovered a book entitled....

"The meaning of dreams"!!!

...on the sofa again :(

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Is this Racism?

One of the best lines I’ve heard lately was from a retired shop foreman at the old Republic Steel plant in Cleveland OH ….when a teenager from an ethnic minority family was being laid off.

The teenager said to the shop foreman: “You’re firing me because I’m an ethnic minority!”

The foreman thought a moment and replied "No, we hired you because we wanted to help an ethnic minority family --- we're firing you because you're blooming useless"!!!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

10 Funny Signs

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

1. At a Santa Fe gas station: “We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

2. In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

3. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy"

4. On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot."

5. In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

6. In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed."

8. In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy."

9. In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home."

10. In a New York medical building: “Mental Health Prevention Center"

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

A Randy Wife's Request to her Husband

Last night down the pub a bloke was saying that his wife told him to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that "help" get an erection.

He said "You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her some diet pills!"

Contributor: Terry H

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

An out of Work Salesman Spent Months Planning

...for the bank heist of the century. He ended up robbing a main vault of one of the biggest banks in the United States. It went off without a hitch, except that he forgot to disable one of the security cameras, and when he got home that night to count his cash, he found his face plastered all over the newspaper and television news.

The salesman laid low, but it was pretty obvious that with all this attention it was only a matter of days until he would be apprehended. Then he was struck with a brilliant idea. He pulled on a baseball cap and sunglasses, jumped into his car and drove to the local offices of an offshore telemarketing firm, where he forced them at gunpoint to agree to sign a five year complete promotions and publicity campaign. The offshore contract guaranteed excellent results with this comprehensive campaign.

The salesman was never seen or heard from again.

Moral of the story: Sometimes it may be better to just not get what you pay for.

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

The Dog Who Liked Melons

Watch out for another groaner:)

One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a strange appetite, fostered no doubt, because the dog fancier's kennel was deep in the southern United States.

The odd youngster spurned regular dog food, no meaty tid-bits could tempt him and he hated dog biscuits.

Just in time to save the little dog's life, the owner found he would eat nothing but melons.

He doted on them.

His brother pups could not understand this and they teased him unmercifully.

He became the butt of their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper and shiver in a corner.

His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her and she said "Come to me, my melon....... collie......... baby".

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Old Jokes   186    187    188    189  190  191    192    193    194   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.11  Debug: / 699,928Mb / 12:11:36 / 200 / No Errors