Tuesday 19th March 2019 - 23:56:15 

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Ponderisms Version: 003

Don’t ask me any questions. I’m making this up as I go

We do precision guesswork

Relax, it’s only ones & zeros

Guilt … the gift that keeps on giving

I tried to think but nothing happened

I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert

Budget: A method for going broke methodically

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

Vacation is something you take when you can’t take what you’ve been taking any longer

When I met my wife I knew she was "Miss Right" … I didn’t know her 1st name was "Always"

My New Years Resolutions were giving up drinking, smoking & flirting … worst 10 minutes of my life

Show me a man with his head held high & I’ll show you a man having trouble with his bifocals

The reason there are 2 senators for each state is so that 1 can be the designated driver

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it’s fresh ground."

You’re only young once but you can be immature forever

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin’ Catholic


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Another Duck Hunter

A duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.

Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the new to his friends and invited friends to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog however did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting wet more than his paws. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog"?

"I sure did", responded his friend. "He cant swim".


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True or False

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
  1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

  2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

  3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

  4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

  5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop - even your heart!

  6. Only 7 percent of the population are lefties.

  7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

  8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

  9. The average person over 50 years old will have spent almost 5 years waiting in lines.

  10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

  11. The average housefly lives for one month.

  12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

  13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

  14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

  15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

  16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

  17. The reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

  18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

  19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

  20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

  21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

  22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

  23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle, built in 1903, used a tomato can for a carburetor.

  24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

  25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

  26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.


They are all true.... Now go back and think about No. 16



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After a Fight with the Wife

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter" the bartender asks?

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days".

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you" asked the bartender?

"Yeah, except today is the last night."


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How to Guess what Day a Woman is Born


I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.


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More from The Mouth's of Babes

MELANIE (age 5)
asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'


STEVEN (age 3)
hugged and kissed his Mom good night 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'


BRITTANY (age 4)
had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'


SUSAN (age 4)
was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..'


DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5)
was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'


MARC (age 4)
was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'


TAMMY(age 4)
was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'


JAMES (age 4)
was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'


The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget..
This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'


NIAMH (age 4)
was trying on many shoes at a local shoe shop and she kept staring at the assistant and then looking round to her mummy until she eventually got more bemused by the assistant's looks and then said in not too quiet a voice, mummy why does that lady have a moustache. At that point they hastily left the shoe shop!

You may also like: From the Mouth's of Babes


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Obama and Little Johnny


Obama visits a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers to answer some questions.

First a little girl puts up his hand, and Obama asks for her name.

"Suzanne," responds the little girl.

"And what is your question, Suzanne"?

"I have four questions:

First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?

Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, Why are we lending mega bucks to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. The teacher says they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: Question time.. Who has a question"?

Little Johnny puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks for his name.

"Johnny" he responds.

"And what is your question, Johnny"?

"Actually, I have two questions.

First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, Where is Suzanne"?


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A Blond Father

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.

One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "OK, so who's the other father"?


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The Pearl Necklace Gift

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed, that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means"?

"I promise, that you will know tonight, my love" he said.

That evening, the man came home a little late from work with a small package and gave it to his eager wife with a smile.

She was brimming with anticipation as she unwrapped the thoughtful gift.

After removing the rose colored gift wrap she discovered a book entitled....

"The meaning of dreams"!!!


...on the sofa again :(


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Is this Racism?


One of the best lines I’ve heard lately was from a retired shop foreman at the old Republic Steel plant in Cleveland OH ….when a teenager from an ethnic minority family was being laid off.

The teenager said to the shop foreman: “You’re firing me because I’m an ethnic minority!”

The foreman thought a moment and replied "No, we hired you because we wanted to help an ethnic minority family --- we're firing you because you're blooming useless"!!!


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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