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Sacrifice Saved


Angela: So while I was visiting my friend in the hospital, some deranged man came stumbling out of his room, picked up a red-headed nurse and threw her over his shoulder. This crazy man started shouting at the topof his voice that he was going to sacrifice a virgin!

Joanne: Oh, no! What did the hospital staff do?

Angela: One intern yelled, "She's no virgin!" Then two maintenance men, three orderlies, and two MDs shouted, "I can vouch for that!"


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Just Before the Weekly Bridge Game

Mr. and Mrs. Jones were an average middle-aged couple who got along well enough as long as Mr. Jones didn't put his foot in his mouth. One day, she was running late for the weekly bridge game with her friends she was hosting, and just before she got into the shower, she gave her husband strict instructions to just let the ladies in without talking to them "too much"...

When she finished having her shower and was finally done, she came downstairs all dressed up for the little party, but no one was there except her husband?

Mr Jones looked somewhat bewildered, and he began to explain immediately:

"Mrs. Smith said she had been having trouble with mice in her house, and Mrs. Brown said that she just stuffed steel wool in their little holes, so I asked her who held their little legs apart."


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Test Your Mental Age

The following assessment was developed by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ...

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

  1. This is this cat.

  2. This is is cat.

  3. This is how cat.

  4. This is to cat.

  5. This is keep cat.

  6. This is an cat.

  7. This is old cat.

  8. This is fart cat.

  9. This is busy cat..

  10. This is for cat.

  11. This is forty cat.

  12. This is seconds cat.



The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it! How many did you get right?


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.



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Economic one-liners


I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.

Q: Which one of our natural resources will become exhausted first?
A: The Taxpayer.

I've written books on advertising – cheque books.

I am having an out of money experience.

It is easier to rob by setting up a bank than by holding up a bank

Financial markets have a very safe way of predicting the future. They cause it.

For some time I've been speculating on commodities: heavily buying into both the Coffee and Chocolate markets.

It's unfortunate we can't buy many business executives for what they are worth and sell them for what they think they are worth.

The same people who laugh at fortune tellers take economists seriously.

My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

True wealth is not comparing yourself to others, but enjoying what you have. Especially when you have more than everyone else.

Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

If at first you don't succeed: try management.

They have two tellers in my bank, except when it's busy they have one.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Economics is the only profession where you can gain great eminence without ever being right.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.


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What the State Motto Really should be...


ALABAMA: Literacy Ain't Everything
ARIZONA: But it's a dry heat, I tell ya!
ARKANSAS: At Least We're not Oklahoma
D.C.: Now With Fewer Murders Than New Orleans
DELAWARE: No One Knows We Exist
FLORIDA: The Gunshine State
HAWAII: We're All Tanned and Healthy and You're Fat and Dying!
IDAHO: Enough About the Damn Potatoes!
ILLINOIS: Gateway to Iowa
KENTUCKY: Tobacco is a Vegetable
LOUISIANA State Joke: Men Working
MAINE: For Sale
MASSACHUSETTS: Chappaquidick...'nuff said
MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else
NEVADA: Lose Your Money and Leave
NEW JERSEY: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
NEW MEXICO: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
NORTH CAROLINA: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
OHIO: Don't Judge us by Cleveland
OKLAHOMA: 50th Most Visited State!
PENNSYLVANIA: Cook with Coal
RHODE Island: Too Small to Care About
SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota
TENNESSEE: The Educashun State
TEXAS: Si Habla Ingles
TEXAS: Not as Boring as Nebraska
UTAH: Our Jesus is Better than Your Jesus
VERMONT: Quaint and Cold
WEST VIRGINIA: We're all related


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Ponderisms Version: 003

Don’t ask me any questions. I’m making this up as I go

We do precision guesswork

Relax, it’s only ones & zeros

Guilt … the gift that keeps on giving

I tried to think but nothing happened

I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert

Budget: A method for going broke methodically

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

Vacation is something you take when you can’t take what you’ve been taking any longer

When I met my wife I knew she was "Miss Right" … I didn’t know her 1st name was "Always"

My New Years Resolutions were giving up drinking, smoking & flirting … worst 10 minutes of my life

Show me a man with his head held high & I’ll show you a man having trouble with his bifocals

The reason there are 2 senators for each state is so that 1 can be the designated driver

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it’s fresh ground."

You’re only young once but you can be immature forever

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin’ Catholic


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Another Duck Hunter

A duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.

Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the new to his friends and invited friends to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog however did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting wet more than his paws. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog"?

"I sure did", responded his friend. "He cant swim".


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True or False

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
  1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

  2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

  3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

  4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

  5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop - even your heart!

  6. Only 7 percent of the population are lefties.

  7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

  8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

  9. The average person over 50 years old will have spent almost 5 years waiting in lines.

  10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

  11. The average housefly lives for one month.

  12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

  13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

  14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

  15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

  16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

  17. The reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

  18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

  19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

  20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

  21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

  22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

  23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle, built in 1903, used a tomato can for a carburetor.

  24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

  25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

  26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.


They are all true.... Now go back and think about No. 16



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After a Fight with the Wife

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter" the bartender asks?

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days".

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you" asked the bartender?

"Yeah, except today is the last night."


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How to Guess what Day a Woman is Born


I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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