Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 20:33:45 

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My First Visit for a Colonoscopy

Last week I visited my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed, have a seat and wait until the doctor was available. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

I changed and donned the green knee-length gown the nurse gave me. As I sat down I noticed there were three items on the stand next to the examination table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer

When the doctor finally arrived I said, "Hey Doc, I'm a little confused, this is my first exam... I know about the K-Y and the glove but I cannot imagine why you have the beer?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door

He flung the door open and yelled at the top of his voice to his nurse...

"Dang it Evelyn !!! I said a Butt Light "!

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No Dirty Words in this Joke

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here try this:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch'?

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'it is neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch. It is; however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into'.

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9 Ways To Apologize from Around the World

  1. Japan Tokyo
    A man accidentally tore a girl's short miniskirt in Tokyo . Before the guy had a chance to apologize, the single lady took a 90 degree bow, then said: "I am sorry to give you trouble! The quality of the skirt is not all that good". Then she took out a pin, put the skirt back together and left.

  2. New York
    Time Square, New York , a man accidentally tore a girl's miniskirt. Before the guy had a chance to react, the single lady pull out a name card, gave it to him and said: "This is my lawyer's business card. He will contact you about this sexual harassment. It is better that you prepare yourself, then we will see you in court".

  3. Paris France
    A French man accidentally tore a girl's miniskirt. Before the man opened his mouth, the young single lady said with a smile "If you do not mind, a red rose can represent your apology". The French man bought her a rose, then they went to a bar, and lastly, they went to a small hotel discussing what was under the miniskirt.

  4. London, Thames England
    In the Church Square by The Thames, an English man accidentally tore the mini skirt of a young single lady. Before the English man opened up his mouth, the young lady covered her tore spot, then said with a blush on her face: "Do you mind taking me home sir? I live very close". The English man took his jacket off, put on her shoulders, call a cab, then took her home safely.

  5. China, Chong Qing
    A man accidentally cut open the miniskirt of a young lady. Before the man said anything, the young lady slapped the guy, then: "You, the sex maniac. Dare to take advantage of me, I will send you to the labor camp".

  6. Taiwan, Shimending
    A man accidentally tore a girl's short miniskirt. Before the guy started to speak, the girl smiled and said: "We have not come up with a price yet, and you are going to inspect the merchandise"?

  7. Hong Kong
    In the Time Square of Hong Kong, a man accidentally tore a girl's miniskirt. She was only 18 years old. Before the man opened his mouth, the girl screamed: "XXXXX your mother, you think I am a cheap street walker? Watch out, I will get someone to peel off your skin".

  8. Korea
    On the street of Yinchong, a man accidentally tore a girl's miniskirt. Before the man speaks, the girl gave him a round kick, then said: "Don't you know that I am a black belt in Tai Kwan Dao".

  9. Thailand, Bangkok
    A man accidentally tore the miniskirt of an 18 year old girl. Before the man start to apologize, the girl gave a Buddha wai with her hands in a gesture of respect: "No worries darling, we are all men".

Contributor: Sunny

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Never try joking with the wife

One evening a husband, thinking he was being clever said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt"!!!

His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unnoticed.

The next morning the husband took a pair of his underpants out of the drawer". A little "dust cloud" appeared when he shook them out. What the heck is this" he thought?

"Martha" he shouted into the bathroom, "Why did you put baby powder in my underpants"?

Laughingly she replied with a big smile on her face... "It's not baby powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'"!!!

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Sacrifice Saved

Angela: So while I was visiting my friend in the hospital, some deranged man came stumbling out of his room, picked up a red-headed nurse and threw her over his shoulder. This crazy man started shouting at the topof his voice that he was going to sacrifice a virgin!

Joanne: Oh, no! What did the hospital staff do?

Angela: One intern yelled, "She's no virgin!" Then two maintenance men, three orderlies, and two MDs shouted, "I can vouch for that!"

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Just Before the Weekly Bridge Game

Mr. and Mrs. Jones were an average middle-aged couple who got along well enough as long as Mr. Jones didn't put his foot in his mouth. One day, she was running late for the weekly bridge game with her friends she was hosting, and just before she got into the shower, she gave her husband strict instructions to just let the ladies in without talking to them "too much"...

When she finished having her shower and was finally done, she came downstairs all dressed up for the little party, but no one was there except her husband?

Mr Jones looked somewhat bewildered, and he began to explain immediately:

"Mrs. Smith said she had been having trouble with mice in her house, and Mrs. Brown said that she just stuffed steel wool in their little holes, so I asked her who held their little legs apart."

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Test Your Mental Age

The following assessment was developed by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ...

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

  1. This is this cat.

  2. This is is cat.

  3. This is how cat.

  4. This is to cat.

  5. This is keep cat.

  6. This is an cat.

  7. This is old cat.

  8. This is fart cat.

  9. This is busy cat..

  10. This is for cat.

  11. This is forty cat.

  12. This is seconds cat.

The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it! How many did you get right?

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

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Economic one-liners

I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.

Q: Which one of our natural resources will become exhausted first?
A: The Taxpayer.

I've written books on advertising – cheque books.

I am having an out of money experience.

It is easier to rob by setting up a bank than by holding up a bank

Financial markets have a very safe way of predicting the future. They cause it.

For some time I've been speculating on commodities: heavily buying into both the Coffee and Chocolate markets.

It's unfortunate we can't buy many business executives for what they are worth and sell them for what they think they are worth.

The same people who laugh at fortune tellers take economists seriously.

My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

True wealth is not comparing yourself to others, but enjoying what you have. Especially when you have more than everyone else.

Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

If at first you don't succeed: try management.

They have two tellers in my bank, except when it's busy they have one.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Economics is the only profession where you can gain great eminence without ever being right.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

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What the State Motto Really should be...

ALABAMA: Literacy Ain't Everything
ARIZONA: But it's a dry heat, I tell ya!
ARKANSAS: At Least We're not Oklahoma
D.C.: Now With Fewer Murders Than New Orleans
DELAWARE: No One Knows We Exist
FLORIDA: The Gunshine State
HAWAII: We're All Tanned and Healthy and You're Fat and Dying!
IDAHO: Enough About the Damn Potatoes!
ILLINOIS: Gateway to Iowa
KENTUCKY: Tobacco is a Vegetable
LOUISIANA State Joke: Men Working
MAINE: For Sale
MASSACHUSETTS: Chappaquidick...'nuff said
MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else
NEVADA: Lose Your Money and Leave
NEW JERSEY: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
NEW MEXICO: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
NORTH CAROLINA: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
OHIO: Don't Judge us by Cleveland
OKLAHOMA: 50th Most Visited State!
PENNSYLVANIA: Cook with Coal
RHODE Island: Too Small to Care About
SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota
TENNESSEE: The Educashun State
TEXAS: Si Habla Ingles
TEXAS: Not as Boring as Nebraska
UTAH: Our Jesus is Better than Your Jesus
VERMONT: Quaint and Cold
WEST VIRGINIA: We're all related

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Ponderisms Version: 003

Don’t ask me any questions. I’m making this up as I go

We do precision guesswork

Relax, it’s only ones & zeros

Guilt … the gift that keeps on giving

I tried to think but nothing happened

I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert

Budget: A method for going broke methodically

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

Vacation is something you take when you can’t take what you’ve been taking any longer

When I met my wife I knew she was "Miss Right" … I didn’t know her 1st name was "Always"

My New Years Resolutions were giving up drinking, smoking & flirting … worst 10 minutes of my life

Show me a man with his head held high & I’ll show you a man having trouble with his bifocals

The reason there are 2 senators for each state is so that 1 can be the designated driver

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it’s fresh ground."

You’re only young once but you can be immature forever

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin’ Catholic

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Old Jokes   187    188    189    190  191  192    193    194    195   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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