Saturday 20th October 2018 - 10:47:57 

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How to stop those annoying telephone calls

No doubt it has happened when you are on the train home, have had a busy day and trying to get some sleep. There is always some guy who pulls out his mobile and starts...

"Hi Darling, it's Jimmy. I'm on the train - yes I know it's the 6.30, not the 4.30, but I had a long meeting - no not with the secretary, with the boss - no darling you are the only one in my life - yes I'm sure, cross my heart " etc etc etc.

If this keeps on and does not look as though he is going to stop then shout at the top of your voice,

"Hey Jimmy, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed".

Works even better if you are a guy :)


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Abe and Esther are Stranded on a Desert Island

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system the Captain announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"


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This will surprise my wife

My wife and I had a huge row last night, she called me gullible and said I was "financially irresponsible."

I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I've just won the Nigerian lottery.


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Maybe a True Story...


After a major surgery, the guy was taken me to a private recovery room.

He finally woke up, look around as a pretty nurse walked up to me, and he said "soft music, dim lights and 5 pretty women - obviously I didn't survive the operation".

They all cracked-up and treated him so nice, by the time he got to the general ward, everyone in the hospital had heard his story!


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Rasheed Visits USA

Rasheed from Saudi Arabia was visiting the United States for the very first time. He arrived at JFK Airport and after clearing customs and collecting his suitcase he exited the terminal and hailed a Yellow Cab, intending to travel to Manhattan. By chance the driver, Vincente, was a crusty old Italian from Brooklyn who had been driving cabs for 40 years and resembled Robert De Niro.

Once he is seated, Rasheed asked the Yellow Cab driver to turn off the radio because, as decreed by Islam and the holy prophet Mohammed (Peace be upon him), he must not hear music and in the time of the prophet, there was no music; especially Western music, which is music of the infidel.

So, Vincente promptly switched off the radio, stopped his Yellow Cab on the side of the Long Island Expressway, and opened the back door.

Rasheed said "What are you doing"?

Vincente replied "In the time of the prophet there were no Yellow Cabs... so get out and wait for a blooming camel"!


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First Visit to GF's Apartment

A young lady is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.

She says: "You come to the front door of the apartment block and look for apartment 29E, and with your elbow push button 29E. When inside you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 29. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you".

The boyfriend says: "Darling, that sounds very easy to find, please explain why am I have to use my elbow and not my finger to press all the buttons"?

"Oh my God"!!! she says, "You're not coming empty-handed are you"?


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Advise to a Son about to join the Marines

A father and his son were in the local pub discussing the son joining the Marines.

"Son, you are getting ready to embark on a great adventure as many of the men in our family have done since your great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather did many hundreds of years ago.

There will be many dangers ahead that you will encounter. Remember your training and obey your commanders, this will keep you alive during the arduous days of battle. Always stay with the plan, if you deviate from it you will be in grave jeopardy.

When the time of battle is over, be wary as you go into the towns and cities ahead because there are many hidden dangers lurking there. There will be many temptations to lure you away from your brothers in arms and this could put you in danger even if it seems safe at the time. In every town there will be a street that will be most treacherous of all there will be strong drink to dull your senses, loud and crude songs to suppress your hearing, and wild women of ill repute to enable your enemy to catch you off guard...

Pausing to take a large swig of his beer, the father continued, "My advice to you as a former marine is very simple - What ever you do... Find that street"!


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Jack Called for a Doctor's Appointment


Jack called his doctor's office for an appointment.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry but we are very busy and you will have to wait at least two weeks".

Jack: "But I could be dead by then"!

Receptionist: "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment".


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A Difficult Golf Putt

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.

On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick."

The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"


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My First Visit for a Colonoscopy

Last week I visited my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed, have a seat and wait until the doctor was available. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

I changed and donned the green knee-length gown the nurse gave me. As I sat down I noticed there were three items on the stand next to the examination table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer

When the doctor finally arrived I said, "Hey Doc, I'm a little confused, this is my first exam... I know about the K-Y and the glove but I cannot imagine why you have the beer?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door

He flung the door open and yelled at the top of his voice to his nurse...

"Dang it Evelyn !!! I said a Butt Light "!


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¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

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