Saturday 31st October 2020 - 14:31:05 

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After Shopping at the Local Super Market

Last week I went to the local super market, done the shopping, paid then felt in my pockets for the car keys.

They were not in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot.

My wife Elizabeth scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

When I got to the car park, I searched for my car but came to a terrifying conclusion. Elizabeth had been right about the car being stolen.

I immediately rang the Police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left the keys in the car and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Elizabeth Darling" I stammered. I always call her "Darling" in times like this. "I left the keys in the car and it has been stolen".

There was a long period of silence, then I heard Elizabeth say, "Frank" she barked, "I dropped you off".

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed I said, "I am very sorry Darling, please come and get me".

Elizabeth shouted back, "I will as soon as I convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car".

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A Blonde Groaner

A guy walks in to a bar and sits down, just a few seats from him there is a very buxom blonde with huge size 42CC breasts.

The guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's boobs and splashes all over them...

The bartender retrieves the glass and licks the beer off the blonde. Each time he calls for a beer, this happens. So after the third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hits her boobs,he jumps up and starts to lick her breasts...AND SHE DECKS HIM.

He is laying on the floor moaning and groaning, "Jeez..then why do you let the bartender do it?"

Are you ready . . . .

here it comes . . . .

The blonde replies "Because he has a liquor license".

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How to stop those annoying telephone calls

No doubt it has happened when you are on the train home, have had a busy day and trying to get some sleep. There is always some guy who pulls out his mobile and starts...

"Hi Darling, it's Jimmy. I'm on the train - yes I know it's the 6.30, not the 4.30, but I had a long meeting - no not with the secretary, with the boss - no darling you are the only one in my life - yes I'm sure, cross my heart " etc etc etc.

If this keeps on and does not look as though he is going to stop then shout at the top of your voice,

"Hey Jimmy, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed".

Works even better if you are a guy :)

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Abe and Esther are Stranded on a Desert Island

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system the Captain announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

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This will surprise my wife

My wife and I had a huge row last night, she called me gullible and said I was "financially irresponsible."

I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I've just won the Nigerian lottery.

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Maybe a True Story...

After a major surgery, the guy was taken me to a private recovery room.

He finally woke up, look around as a pretty nurse walked up to me, and he said "soft music, dim lights and 5 pretty women - obviously I didn't survive the operation".

They all cracked-up and treated him so nice, by the time he got to the general ward, everyone in the hospital had heard his story!

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Rasheed Visits USA

Rasheed from Saudi Arabia was visiting the United States for the very first time. He arrived at JFK Airport and after clearing customs and collecting his suitcase he exited the terminal and hailed a Yellow Cab, intending to travel to Manhattan. By chance the driver, Vincente, was a crusty old Italian from Brooklyn who had been driving cabs for 40 years and resembled Robert De Niro.

Once he is seated, Rasheed asked the Yellow Cab driver to turn off the radio because, as decreed by Islam and the holy prophet Mohammed (Peace be upon him), he must not hear music and in the time of the prophet, there was no music; especially Western music, which is music of the infidel.

So, Vincente promptly switched off the radio, stopped his Yellow Cab on the side of the Long Island Expressway, and opened the back door.

Rasheed said "What are you doing"?

Vincente replied "In the time of the prophet there were no Yellow Cabs... so get out and wait for a blooming camel"!

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First Visit to GF's Apartment

A young lady is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.

She says: "You come to the front door of the apartment block and look for apartment 29E, and with your elbow push button 29E. When inside you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 29. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you".

The boyfriend says: "Darling, that sounds very easy to find, please explain why am I have to use my elbow and not my finger to press all the buttons"?

"Oh my God"!!! she says, "You're not coming empty-handed are you"?

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Advise to a Son about to join the Marines

A father and his son were in the local pub discussing the son joining the Marines.

"Son, you are getting ready to embark on a great adventure as many of the men in our family have done since your great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather did many hundreds of years ago.

There will be many dangers ahead that you will encounter. Remember your training and obey your commanders, this will keep you alive during the arduous days of battle. Always stay with the plan, if you deviate from it you will be in grave jeopardy.

When the time of battle is over, be wary as you go into the towns and cities ahead because there are many hidden dangers lurking there. There will be many temptations to lure you away from your brothers in arms and this could put you in danger even if it seems safe at the time. In every town there will be a street that will be most treacherous of all there will be strong drink to dull your senses, loud and crude songs to suppress your hearing, and wild women of ill repute to enable your enemy to catch you off guard...

Pausing to take a large swig of his beer, the father continued, "My advice to you as a former marine is very simple - What ever you do... Find that street"!

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Jack Called for a Doctor's Appointment

Jack called his doctor's office for an appointment.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry but we are very busy and you will have to wait at least two weeks".

Jack: "But I could be dead by then"!

Receptionist: "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment".

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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