Thursday 29th October 2020 - 08:38:09 

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Improve Your Sex Life

With today's focus on exercising, I've been trying to persuade my husband to join me in a 20-minute evening walk.

One evening after reading an article called "Improve Your Sex Life", I presented my new argument. I told my hubby that, according to what I read, if he just walked 20 minutes a day it would improve his sex life.

Hubby replied, "Who do I know that lives 20 minutes away"?

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Thomas the Pianist Tomcat

The guest had heard the strains of classical music but when he entered the drawing room he was amazed to see a large tomcat playing the piano.

"And there is no sheet music," he noted with further astonishment.

"No," said the proud owner. "Thomas writes and memorizes his own music and the piece he is playing now is one of my favourites."

"You should have him orchestrated," said the guest.

Thomas the tomcat leapt out of the window and has never been seen since.

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Golf Membership Refused

An elderly Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different than theirs.

Scot: Ach, away with ya, ma'am. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete p-r-i-c-k to join a golf club!!


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Best way to start your presentation

My boss told me to start our presentation with a joke.

I showed everyone my last pay slip!!!

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Two Nuns Buying Beer at the 7-11

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening"?

The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, Sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand".

"I can handle that without a problem", the first nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the first nun said, "back at The Nunnery, we call it Catholic Shampoo".

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, "The curlers are on the house".

Contributor: Irving P

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After Shopping at the Local Super Market

Last week I went to the local super market, done the shopping, paid then felt in my pockets for the car keys.

They were not in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot.

My wife Elizabeth scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

When I got to the car park, I searched for my car but came to a terrifying conclusion. Elizabeth had been right about the car being stolen.

I immediately rang the Police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left the keys in the car and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Elizabeth Darling" I stammered. I always call her "Darling" in times like this. "I left the keys in the car and it has been stolen".

There was a long period of silence, then I heard Elizabeth say, "Frank" she barked, "I dropped you off".

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed I said, "I am very sorry Darling, please come and get me".

Elizabeth shouted back, "I will as soon as I convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car".

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A Blonde Groaner

A guy walks in to a bar and sits down, just a few seats from him there is a very buxom blonde with huge size 42CC breasts.

The guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's boobs and splashes all over them...

The bartender retrieves the glass and licks the beer off the blonde. Each time he calls for a beer, this happens. So after the third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hits her boobs,he jumps up and starts to lick her breasts...AND SHE DECKS HIM.

He is laying on the floor moaning and groaning, "Jeez..then why do you let the bartender do it?"

Are you ready . . . .

here it comes . . . .

The blonde replies "Because he has a liquor license".

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How to stop those annoying telephone calls

No doubt it has happened when you are on the train home, have had a busy day and trying to get some sleep. There is always some guy who pulls out his mobile and starts...

"Hi Darling, it's Jimmy. I'm on the train - yes I know it's the 6.30, not the 4.30, but I had a long meeting - no not with the secretary, with the boss - no darling you are the only one in my life - yes I'm sure, cross my heart " etc etc etc.

If this keeps on and does not look as though he is going to stop then shout at the top of your voice,

"Hey Jimmy, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed".

Works even better if you are a guy :)

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Abe and Esther are Stranded on a Desert Island

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system the Captain announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

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This will surprise my wife

My wife and I had a huge row last night, she called me gullible and said I was "financially irresponsible."

I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I've just won the Nigerian lottery.

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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