Monday 21st October 2019 - 02:16:39 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Hunting in Texas

A guy from Colorado and a Texan were hunting in the Hill Country when an illegal alien runs across the field.

The Texan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Coloradan.

"No, no, it's legal here in Texas" replies the Texan.

Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door.

Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.

The Coloradan thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!" protests the Coloradan.

"It is," says the cop, "but you can't use bait!!"


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10 Men Only Housekeeping Rules

It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

Never make fried chicken in the nude.

Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.

When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.


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All I Need to Know About Life I Learned

...from the Easter Bunny

Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey!
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Some body parts should be floppy.


Robert Frost: In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life:
It goes on.


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Improve Your Sex Life

With today's focus on exercising, I've been trying to persuade my husband to join me in a 20-minute evening walk.

One evening after reading an article called "Improve Your Sex Life", I presented my new argument. I told my hubby that, according to what I read, if he just walked 20 minutes a day it would improve his sex life.

Hubby replied, "Who do I know that lives 20 minutes away"?


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Thomas the Pianist Tomcat


The guest had heard the strains of classical music but when he entered the drawing room he was amazed to see a large tomcat playing the piano.

"And there is no sheet music," he noted with further astonishment.

"No," said the proud owner. "Thomas writes and memorizes his own music and the piece he is playing now is one of my favourites."

"You should have him orchestrated," said the guest.

Thomas the tomcat leapt out of the window and has never been seen since.


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Golf Membership Refused

An elderly Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different than theirs.

Scot: Ach, away with ya, ma'am. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete p-r-i-c-k to join a golf club!!


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Best way to start your presentation


My boss told me to start our presentation with a joke.

I showed everyone my last pay slip!!!


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Two Nuns Buying Beer at the 7-11


Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening"?

The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, Sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand".

"I can handle that without a problem", the first nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the first nun said, "back at The Nunnery, we call it Catholic Shampoo".

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, "The curlers are on the house".


Contributor: Irving P


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After Shopping at the Local Super Market

Last week I went to the local super market, done the shopping, paid then felt in my pockets for the car keys.

They were not in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot.

My wife Elizabeth scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

When I got to the car park, I searched for my car but came to a terrifying conclusion. Elizabeth had been right about the car being stolen.

I immediately rang the Police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left the keys in the car and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Elizabeth Darling" I stammered. I always call her "Darling" in times like this. "I left the keys in the car and it has been stolen".

There was a long period of silence, then I heard Elizabeth say, "Frank" she barked, "I dropped you off".

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed I said, "I am very sorry Darling, please come and get me".

Elizabeth shouted back, "I will as soon as I convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car".


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A Blonde Groaner

A guy walks in to a bar and sits down, just a few seats from him there is a very buxom blonde with huge size 42CC breasts.

The guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's boobs and splashes all over them...

The bartender retrieves the glass and licks the beer off the blonde. Each time he calls for a beer, this happens. So after the third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hits her boobs,he jumps up and starts to lick her breasts...AND SHE DECKS HIM.

He is laying on the floor moaning and groaning, "Jeez..then why do you let the bartender do it?"

Are you ready . . . .

here it comes . . . .






The blonde replies "Because he has a liquor license".


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