Monday 2nd November 2020 - 13:27:20 

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How to get out of a mental hospital

A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.

When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place." Obviously, his release was denied.

Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am going to make a sling shot and come back here and break every damn window in the place". Again, he was turned down.

Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."

So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.

So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.

He said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."

"Good," they said, and then what?"

He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."

They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what"?

"One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed."

"Yes?, they said excitedly.

"Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued.

The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?"

He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!

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Kids and Religion

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy.

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."

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17 Rules about Computers

  1. A program is never finished until the programmer dies.
  2. A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
  3. A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.
  4. Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?
  5. Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
  6. Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
  7. Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working properly, if you open windows.
  8. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
  9. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
  10. I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
  11. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
  12. I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
  13. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
  14. Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.
  15. Oxymoron: "Microsoft Works"
  16. The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
  17. There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.

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John the Chicken Farmer

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a Democrat in the making. Who else but a Democrat could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

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After the Party

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important *****, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, **** him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

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Hunting in Texas

A guy from Colorado and a Texan were hunting in the Hill Country when an illegal alien runs across the field.

The Texan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Coloradan.

"No, no, it's legal here in Texas" replies the Texan.

Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door.

Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.

The Coloradan thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!" protests the Coloradan.

"It is," says the cop, "but you can't use bait!!"

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10 Men Only Housekeeping Rules

It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

Never make fried chicken in the nude.

Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.

When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

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All I Need to Know About Life I Learned

...from the Easter Bunny

Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey!
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Some body parts should be floppy.

Robert Frost: In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life:
It goes on.

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Improve Your Sex Life

With today's focus on exercising, I've been trying to persuade my husband to join me in a 20-minute evening walk.

One evening after reading an article called "Improve Your Sex Life", I presented my new argument. I told my hubby that, according to what I read, if he just walked 20 minutes a day it would improve his sex life.

Hubby replied, "Who do I know that lives 20 minutes away"?

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Thomas the Pianist Tomcat

The guest had heard the strains of classical music but when he entered the drawing room he was amazed to see a large tomcat playing the piano.

"And there is no sheet music," he noted with further astonishment.

"No," said the proud owner. "Thomas writes and memorizes his own music and the piece he is playing now is one of my favourites."

"You should have him orchestrated," said the guest.

Thomas the tomcat leapt out of the window and has never been seen since.

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Old Jokes   189    190    191    192  193  194    195    196    197   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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