Monday 22nd October 2018 - 17:55:17 

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Aussie Humour

There hewas sittin watching the Footy Match Of The Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a bonk babe"?

He said, "Can you wait until the football is over"?

She said, "You do realize that you can record it"?

He said, "Nice one, you get the camcorder and I'll be upstairs as soon as the footy finishes".


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It was all a mistake

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders……

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when,at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this wasthe best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,


"Sack my cook".


And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred...


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An English Summer

In England, there's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.

Summer in the UK usually:

Hallo, did you have a good Summer?

Yes indeed, we had a great barbeque that afternoon.


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Three Old Men having a Memory Test

I truly believe this happens...

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.

The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."


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How to get out of a mental hospital

A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.

When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place." Obviously, his release was denied.

Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am going to make a sling shot and come back here and break every damn window in the place". Again, he was turned down.

Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."

So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.

So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.

He said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."

"Good," they said, and then what?"

He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."

They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what"?

"One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed."

"Yes?, they said excitedly.

"Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued.

The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?"

He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!


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Kids and Religion

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy.

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."


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17 Rules about Computers

  1. A program is never finished until the programmer dies.
  2. A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
  3. A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.
  4. Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?
  5. Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
  6. Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
  7. Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working properly, if you open windows.
  8. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
  9. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
  10. I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
  11. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
  12. I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
  13. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
  14. Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.
  15. Oxymoron: "Microsoft Works"
  16. The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
  17. There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.


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John the Chicken Farmer

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.


Clearly old Butch was a Democrat in the making. Who else but a Democrat could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.


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After the Party

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important *****, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, **** him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.


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Hunting in Texas

A guy from Colorado and a Texan were hunting in the Hill Country when an illegal alien runs across the field.

The Texan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Coloradan.

"No, no, it's legal here in Texas" replies the Texan.

Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door.

Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.

The Coloradan thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!" protests the Coloradan.

"It is," says the cop, "but you can't use bait!!"


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¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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