Saturday 25th May 2019 - 14:02:04 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


Husband caught in the act


One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.

Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly.

When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.

"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly!"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


It says so in the Bible


In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left and, at a "7-11" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read yor Bibles"!

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face, she said, "Here you go - it says, "The Three Wise Men came from afar"!!!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


My Wish for Today - 2012-04-17


if only I could convert all

my mouse scrolling into

a usable form of energy,





Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Snooker Ball Diet

A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I got a problem. My stomach is killing me"!

"The doctor says, "Well, let's start with your diet. What kind of food do you eat"?

Man says, "I eat snooker balls." "Snooker Balls?" the Doc asks "What do you mean you eat snooker balls"?

The man replies, "I eat the red ones for breakfast. I eat the white and black ones for lunch. I eat the blue and yellow ones for dinner".

The doctor ponders this and nods his head saying, "Mmm-hmm, yes, I see. Well I think I know what your problem is".

The man says, "Really"?

"Yep" says the doctor, "Not enough greens"!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


One Liners from Joolz

I just got off the phone to Sea World... My call was recorded for training porpoises.

I think our new pet Rabbit must be vicious... The wife said when she brings it home I'm going to have to make a run for it

Just had a good tip 4 the grand national... A horse called creosote..! Goes really wel over fences...!!

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic... It's syncing now.

When chemists die... They barium.

Jokes about German sausage... Are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid... He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went... Then it dawned on me.

A girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity... I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns... It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Aussie Humour

There hewas sittin watching the Footy Match Of The Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a bonk babe"?

He said, "Can you wait until the football is over"?

She said, "You do realize that you can record it"?

He said, "Nice one, you get the camcorder and I'll be upstairs as soon as the footy finishes".


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


It was all a mistake

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders……

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when,at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this wasthe best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,


"Sack my cook".


And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred...


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


An English Summer

In England, there's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.

Summer in the UK usually:

Hallo, did you have a good Summer?

Yes indeed, we had a great barbeque that afternoon.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Three Old Men having a Memory Test

I truly believe this happens...

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.

The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


How to get out of a mental hospital

A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.

When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place." Obviously, his release was denied.

Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am going to make a sling shot and come back here and break every damn window in the place". Again, he was turned down.

Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."

So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.

So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.

He said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."

"Good," they said, and then what?"

He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."

They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what"?

"One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed."

"Yes?, they said excitedly.

"Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued.

The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?"

He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   190    191    192    193  194  195    196    197    198   Latest


This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 54.226.4.91 / 832,264Mb / 14:02:04 / 200 / No Errors