Thursday 20th June 2019 - 10:36:20 

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Short jokes and some One Liners

This joke goes out to all the paranoia sufferers out there..... You know who you are....


Overheard in a hardware store...
Blond: Do you sell colour TV's?
Clerk: Yes we do
Blond: Have you got one in red?


What do you call a man with a toe made of rubber?
Roberto


What is Santa’s Favourite Pizza? ..... One that’s deep pan, crisp and even


My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.


My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.


My girlfriend gave me fifty quid and told me to go out and get something that would make her look sexy.
You should have seen her face when I came home pissed


Today is International Women's Day.
It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.


There's got to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction


My dog kept chasing people on a bike.
So we took his bike off him.
Then he just sat in the garden and barked all day.
So we gave him his bike back.
Because his bark was worse than his bike.


Couldn't it believe my flat-mate got fired from his job as a road worker for stealing.
Just did not believe it however when I got home the signs were everywhere !!!


I tried to commit suicide yesterday.....I'm not trying that again...it almost killed me.


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A Gift for the Husband who liked Golf


A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

"How much is it" she asked?

"One hundred and fifty dollars" he replied.

She said "But that's rather expensive don't you think"?

"But it comes with an inscription" the salesman replied.

"What kind of inscription" she asked?

"Whatever you wish" he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN' ".

"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place"!









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Nighttime Flight Pilot and the Controller

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who"?

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where"?




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Helicopter Crash

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent.

The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.

Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed"?!.

"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out"!!!



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Helpful Neighbor

One day, a man notices that his next door neighbor is erecting a tightrope in the backyard. The neighbor goes out to practice every day. He uses balancing bars, carries weights, and even pedals a unicycle across.

Then he starts focusing his practice on the tightrope with a wheel barrow. Every day, he puts more and more weight in the wheel barrow and goes back and forth on the tight rope.

One day, the man chats with his neighbor. "I've been watching you practicing on the tightrope for weeks now, and have to say, you're amazing. But, what’s it all for?" the neighbor asks.

"I'm glad you’ve noticed. As a matter of fact, tomorrow, I'm going to cross over Niagra Falls on my tightrope. Why don't you come out and see?" the man replies.

The next day, the neighbor is there watching the man get ready for his big show.

"Do you believe I can make it?"

"Oh yes, I’ve seen you practice. You can do it – easy!"

"Great – get in the wheel barrow."


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Divorce - USA vs Middle East


Bob : You know what, it's really easy to get a divorce in the Middle East. A man is just required to say "I divorce you" to his wife 3 times and it's done!

Jack: It's even easier here in the US. All a man has to say is "Yeah, that dress makes your butt look fat" once.




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Technical Support from Husband to Wife



Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning, “Windows frozen".


Husband texts back, "Pour some lukewarm water over it".


Wife texts back, "Computer completely screwed now".


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How Mickey Lost the Bet


Mickey was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid was one sexy looking lady! He slapped a ten spot on the table and said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom".

She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet.

He took his out his glass eye, placed it next to his drink and went to the bathroom.

"OK chance to get your money back, I bet I can bite my own ear", Mickey challenged next.

The Barmaid accepted the bet.

He took out his false teeth and nipped his ear. Once more he pocketed his winnings.

"Okay", Mickey said, "I'll give you one last chance to win all your money back. I bet I can make love to you so gently and tenderly you won't feel a thing - bouble or nothing".

Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the bet.

Mickey lifted her skirt and away they went.

"I can feel you", she giggled.

"Oh well", he cried while climaxing, "This is not my lucky day... you can't win them all"!!






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18 Funny eBay Feedbacks


  1. NEUTRAL: Excellent communication, but should've poked holes in box before shipping the kitten. Refunded.

  2. NEGATIVE: Honda R-Type sticker did not add horsepower as advertised.

  3. NEGATIVE: Despite indication in listing, I could not fit item into any of my body cavities.

  4. NEUTRAL: Item shipped promptly and in good condition, but I should not have to bid on birthday presents from my parents.

  5. POSITIVE: I don't really remember what I ordered. But I've been sitting in the box it came in all day, and it's great!

  6. POSITIVE: Excellent Buyer. A++++++. Thrilled by the quartz movement of the "Rolex". HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

  7. NEGATIVE: Should have been clearer that seller only accepts payment in Bahts via Eastern Union Moneygram.

  8. POSITIVE: Plain brown packaging seemed to fool my wife. Thanks!

  9. NEGATIVE: The dog won't hunt.

  10. NEGATIVE: Very nice monkey mascot costume, but it's a size 34, not a 63 as advertised.

  11. NEGATIVE: Lederhosen not as pink as the picture led me to believe.

  12. POSITIVE: A+++++. Items are exactly as described. Best case of kalashnikovs I've ever bought. Allah Akbar!

  13. NEGATIVE: This is clearly the ninth, NOT THE SIXTH, repackaging of Mad Super Special #24.

  14. POSITIVE: One of the scents mixed in with the packing peanuts remind me of a passionate weekend in Rio... was that you?

  15. POSITIVE: The way you wrote my zip-code makes me weak in the knees. Such smooth strokes. A+!

  16. NEGATIVE: Buying this Space 1999 Lunchbox did not fill the void in my empty life for as long as I'd hoped.

  17. POSITIVE: Thanks for great Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Should shrunken head be inside?

  18. NEGATIVE: Though you did nothing wrong, I am giving you this negative feedback to teach you that the universe is arbitrary and unfair.




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Today's Rib Ticklers

A book just fell on my head.
I’ve only got myshelf to blame.



I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda yesterday.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.



I walked into a bar the other night and bought a drink. As I was leaving the bar, a bowl of nuts said "Ohh..nice shoes...love your hair". "Well", I thought, "that's odd!" So I walked to the cigarette machine and it starts shouting..."Oi...f@#k off you dickhead! I'll smash your face in!"

I went back to the bar to ask the bar tender what was going on and he said "Oh, sorry sir.... the nuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine's out of order."



My wife has packed her bags and gone - just because of my fetish with touching pasta.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.



I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crimes.



Q: "Can you do an impression of a Parrot?" asked my mate.
A: "Can you do an impression of a Parrot?" I replied.



I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.



I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.



When chemists die, they barium.



Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.



How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.



I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.



I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.



I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.



They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.



PMS jokes aren't funny — period.



We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.



I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.



Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?



I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.



What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.



England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.



I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.



Velcro: what a rip off!



The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

and not forgetting...



This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


Contributor: Joolz


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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