Tuesday 20th August 2019 - 01:14:49 

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A Scottish Colonel and the Condom

A scottish colonel walks into a chemist, goes to the counter and hands over a small wooden box.

The chemist opens it and finds an old condom with a hole in it.

The colonel says 'how much to repair it'?

The chemist says '70p I guess'.

The colonel says 'how much for a new one'.

The chemist replies '£1'.

Tthe scotsman walks back outside and a few seconds later there is a loud cheer followed by a louder cheer. The colonel walks back inside and says 'the battalion has decided, we'll take a new one'.


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Mother and Baby Pigeon


The baby pigeon complained to his mother before flying a long distance, 'I can't make it, I'll get too tired.'

His mother replied, 'Don't worry, I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine.'

The baby started to cry.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother sympathetically.

'I don't want to end up being pigeon towed.'


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Robot Caddies

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie, please."

The man says, "The golf is no problem, but all the caddies are taken at present. Here's what I can do for you: We just received 8 brand new robot caddies. If you're willing to try one out on the course and tell me how it works out, your round of golf will be free."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." But the robot caddie said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is too much for this hole."

Reluctantly, the golfer used his 3 wood, and the ball landed about 10 feet from the hole.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think the putt will break left to right."

The robot again spoke up, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected him, he decided to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game wasthe best he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

On his return to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was it ?"

The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed and the excited golfer returned to the pro shop. He said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The man behind the counter said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who could've complained about those robots? Mine was incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding other golfers on the fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did, sir. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President."


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Women's Advice to Men


The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because...
WE actually change our underwear.



No, we're not impressed with your car...
It takes no special skills to make car payments each month.



Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime...
Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number Of baths you take.



The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in Combat...
Take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.



We don't care if you hold the remote -- unlike you, however...
We just don't enjoy watching 29 seconds of 101 different programs.



If only women gossip...
How do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?



And last but NOT least...
Don't insist that we "get off the bl@@dy phone" and then not talk to us.


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Just Like his Father


Beth was carrying her new baby son around Macro when she bumps into Suzanne, her old college friend.

"How lovely" Suzanne exclaims! "He looks just like his father"!

"Yes, he does" Beth says "but it's a pity he doesn't look more like my husband"...


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Just A Phone Call


A man & his wife agreed that any time they wanted to make love they would call it a ''PHONE CALL''

One day the husband send his son to tell his mother that he wanted a ''phone call'.....

Mom replied tell daddy she doesn't have network...

Husband: Tell your mother if there is no network I will go to public phone...

Mother: Tell your dad if he dares to go to a public phone i will open call center at home!


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Grandmas Always Know Best


Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.

One of the old Grandmas yelled out,'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess that, you old slappers.'

One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and underpants & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & then jump up & down several times.

Determined to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they all piped up & said,'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,

'How in the world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees & pissing themselves laughing, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - -

'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'


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How to Sell Watermelons


I went to my local market today and saw a sign that said: "ONE WATERMELON FOR $3 OR THREE FOR $10"

Instead of telling the guy behind the stall how stupid he was I decided to show him.

So I walked up to him and asked: "Can I buy a watermelon please?"

"Yes sir, that'll be three dollars."

I handed over the money and asked: "Actually, can I have another one please?"

"No problem sir, that's another three dollars."

"Can I have one more?"

"Certainly sir, three more dollars please."

Smirking I said: "I've just bought three watermelons for nine dollars but on your sign it says ten. Don't you realise how stupid you are?"

"That happens a lot," he chuckled, "until I point out that you just bought three watermelons instead of one."



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Chuck Norris Update 001


Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone

Chuck Norris is so cool he lost his virginity before his Dad

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result...


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Ponderisms - The Best Nineteen

  1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

  3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

  5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

  7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit Salad.

  8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

  9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.

  11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

  12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

  13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

  14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

  15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

  16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

  17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

  18. if stupidity got us into this mess,why can't it get us out? - Will Rogers

  19. "We are lucky we don't get as much Government as we pay for." Will Rogers




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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