Monday 19th August 2019 - 23:56:57 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Funeral of a Traffic Warden


As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead, LET ME OUT!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters " Too f@cking late pal, the paperworks already done!"


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An Offer Too Good to Refuse?

An ambitious new sales rep for Heineken beer traveled all the way to Rome and managed to get an audience with the Pope himself.

As soon as the two were alone together, the rep leaned over and whispered, "Your Holiness, I have an offer I think might interest you. I'm in a position to give you one million dollars if you'll change the wording in the Lord's Prayer from 'Our Daily Bread' to 'Our Daily Beer.' What do you think?"

"Absolutely not," said the shocked Pope.

"Hey I understand, it's a big decision," sympathized the salesman. "How about five million dollars?"

"I couldn't think of it," sputtered the Pope.

"I know it's a tough one. Tell you what, I have been authorized to go up as high as fifty million dollars, " proposed the salesman, "but that's our final offer. You have 21 days to think it over."

Asking the salesman to leave the room, the Pope called in one of his top Cardinals and whispered, "When does our contract with the bread company expire?"


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Secret Service New Rules of Conduct

The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday:

1. You can no longer get drunk
2. Procure hookers
3. Frequent GoGos or strip bars.

Addendum: The rules also say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.


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Little Johnny and his favorite flower


Teacher: Tell me, what’s your favourite flower?

Little Johnny: I like Chrysanthemums.

Teacher: Ok, spell Chrysanthemums.

Little Johnny: Actually, I sorta like Roses better!


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Wife Passed the Driving Test

After eleven attempts a wife finally passed her driving test.

Her husband asks, "Now that you have a licence, what can I get you as a reward?"

The wife cheerfully replies, "Oh, just something cheap to run around in."

So after thinking for a while, the husband goes out to the local Walmart and buys her some trainers.

He saw the iron coming but was too late to duck...


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Shipwrecked, one man and a dozen women

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said : "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU..."
To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."

The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"


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Is Anyone There

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."


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Crap Joke Central


Come and join us at : Crap Joke Central - all welcome




Q. Where do you go to weigh a whale?
A: A whale weigh station.





I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.





I bought a new SatNav it's really good,,,
Yesterday I drove past a Zoo and it said Bear Left .....
Now that's clever !





I got work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk.
I don't know what to make of it.


Come and join us at : Crap Joke Central




Q What happened to the guy who assaulted the laughing psychic?
A He was arrested for striking a happy medium.





I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
I only intended to rough him up a bit.





Murphy said to Paddy, "what the f@#k are you doing talking into envelope",
Paddy said "I'm sending a voice mail you thick b@$t@rd"!





I don't know why I even bother having a smartphone anymore.
It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a land-line.





Q: What go's peck peck Bang, peck peck Bang...?
A: A flock of chickens in a mine field!


Come and join us at : Crap Joke Central



Last night i tried sharing a bag of chips with a homeless man who was sat on the curb...
he said sod off and get your own bl@@dy chips.





Knock knock.
Who's there.
Doorbell repair man.





If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work





Female response when hit with the chatup line...
"You look really familiar, do I know you from somewhere"?
You reply "I don't know... do you watch alot of porn"?





Last night I dreamed I was the author of Lord of the Rings...
I was Tolkien in my sleep.


Come and join us at : Crap Joke Central



Has anyone else noticed those clowns in all the Big C supermarkets that try to hide from gay people?





Did you hear about the Italian chef?
He pasta away!





Q: If two's company what is the result?
A: Three





Q: Why have elephants got big ears?
A: Cos' Noddy won't pay the ransom!





Q. What's Santas favourite pizza?
A: It has to be "deep and crisp and even".


Come and join us at : Crap Joke Central



I rang up BT and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller".
She said: "Not you again".





A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .................
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...





Are 'Walkers' crisps for zombies?





Q. What would you get if you crossed an elephant with a fish?
A. Swimming trunks


Come and join us at : Crap Joke Central













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New Bride, Maybe a Blonde


A young man came home from work and found his new bride sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible", she told him. "I was ironing your best suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your pants".

"Forget it", consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit".

"Yes, and it’s lucky you have", said his new bride, dabbing her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole".


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Little Johnny Cursing and Swearing


Little Johnny was sweating while digging a hole to plant a tree and cursing as per usual.

Little Johnny's gardening teacher says "Johnny, please stop swearing the Lord is everywhere".

Little Johnny replys "Ok... so I guess He is in that tree over there"?

"Yes" his teacher replys.

"Ok.. no worry's" says Little Johnny " .....is He in my dad's wheel barrow"?

"Yes Johnny" his teacher replys

Little Johnny says "B@LLshit ....!!! My dad AINT GOT one".


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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