Friday 23rd August 2019 - 09:49:47 

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A Butcher and the Dog


A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.

Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change.

They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes.

Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his
hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy,

"What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"


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The Passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota , Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumbly day and kneads a lift.


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Drinking Observation Between the Sexes

Men vs: Women


After drinking:

  • men talk unnecessarily

  • become emotional

  • drive badly

  • stop thinking

  • fight for nothing

  • the list goes on and on...



  • Women can do all these without drinking!!!



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Funeral of a Traffic Warden


As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead, LET ME OUT!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters " Too f@cking late pal, the paperworks already done!"


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An Offer Too Good to Refuse?

An ambitious new sales rep for Heineken beer traveled all the way to Rome and managed to get an audience with the Pope himself.

As soon as the two were alone together, the rep leaned over and whispered, "Your Holiness, I have an offer I think might interest you. I'm in a position to give you one million dollars if you'll change the wording in the Lord's Prayer from 'Our Daily Bread' to 'Our Daily Beer.' What do you think?"

"Absolutely not," said the shocked Pope.

"Hey I understand, it's a big decision," sympathized the salesman. "How about five million dollars?"

"I couldn't think of it," sputtered the Pope.

"I know it's a tough one. Tell you what, I have been authorized to go up as high as fifty million dollars, " proposed the salesman, "but that's our final offer. You have 21 days to think it over."

Asking the salesman to leave the room, the Pope called in one of his top Cardinals and whispered, "When does our contract with the bread company expire?"


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Secret Service New Rules of Conduct

The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday:

1. You can no longer get drunk
2. Procure hookers
3. Frequent GoGos or strip bars.

Addendum: The rules also say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.


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Little Johnny and his favorite flower


Teacher: Tell me, what’s your favourite flower?

Little Johnny: I like Chrysanthemums.

Teacher: Ok, spell Chrysanthemums.

Little Johnny: Actually, I sorta like Roses better!


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Wife Passed the Driving Test

After eleven attempts a wife finally passed her driving test.

Her husband asks, "Now that you have a licence, what can I get you as a reward?"

The wife cheerfully replies, "Oh, just something cheap to run around in."

So after thinking for a while, the husband goes out to the local Walmart and buys her some trainers.

He saw the iron coming but was too late to duck...


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Shipwrecked, one man and a dozen women

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said : "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU..."
To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."

The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"


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Is Anyone There

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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