Saturday 21st September 2019 - 17:58:36 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Another one for the Brits'


Two Scots were each having a Kentucky Special when the first guy, a Glaswegian, started to gag!

"I---I think I've swallowed a bone" he coughed and gasped.

His pal said "Hey Jimmy, are you choking"?

"No, you tosser, I'm fookin' serious"!


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Traditional milking

Farmer Giles was milking his cow the good old fashioned way. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a fly flew into the barn and started buzzing around his head. Suddenly, the fly flew into the cow's ear.

Farmer Giles didn't think much about it until all of a sudden the fly squirted out into his bucket...

It went in one ear and out the udder.


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When Bubba Wins the Lottery


Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery", said Bubba.

"Do what" asked Johnny Ray?

"Send my grass out to be mowed", answered Bubba.


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Little Johnny studies the auto industry


The lecture was about the development of the American auto industry.

The teacher emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs.

At the end of the lecture, she gave a test including the question: “What did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable?”

Little Johnny wrote: “0% financing.”


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Size does matter

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..

The girl panicked. She ran outside, phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.

"Yes!!!" she said " He's got one hanging there"....!

The boss said ..................................





"Go back in and give him £3.50......................He's the bloody Window Cleaner"!!!!!!!




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The Morning After


An ant and an elephant share a night of romance.

Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

"Damn," says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"


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Never let a girlfriend order dinner


A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.


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The Concerned Anthropologist


Charles, an anthropologist decides to study the natives of a distant tropical island. When he arrives he finds a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote location where he would make his collections.

The river takes them downstream, and in the eve of the of the second day, they hear the distant sound of drums. Being of a very nervous disposition, Charles is disturbed by the sound of the drums and asks the guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide replies, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Then, after a few hours, the drums suddenly stop! Charles becomes as nervous as hell. Charles shouts at the guide: "The Drums have stopped, what now?"

The guide bends down, covers his head with his hands and says, "Bass Solo".


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A slight misunderstanding



Today I caused a commotion at the local supermarket...

When the cashier said "strip down and face me" she was referring to my credit card

:(


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Little Johnny's Cat

The teacher asked Little Johnny if he had any pets.

Little Johnny replied "Yes I have a pet cat and this morning before I left for school I put some lighter fuel in the cat's water bowl. The cat raced up the stairs. jumped over the beds, ran down again, across the living room to the curtains, climbed up to the top and then fell down onto the floor. The cat just lay there motionless".

"OMG", exclaimed the teacher, "was your pet cat dead"?

"No" said Little Johnny, "He just ran out of gas..."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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