Tuesday 5th January 2021 - 10:55:41 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Timely quotes

  • The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
    ~Henry Cate, VII

  • We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

  • If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
    ~Will Rogers

  • Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.

  • Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
    ~Nikita Khrushchev

  • When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
    ~Clarence Darrow

  • Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
    ~Author Unknown

  • If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
    ~Jay Leno

  • Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
    ~John Quinton

  • Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
    ~Oscar Ameringer

  • The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
    ~P.J. O'Rourke

  • I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
    ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
    ~Texas Guinan

  • Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.
    ~Gore Vidal

  • I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
    ~Charles de Gaulle

  • Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
    ~Doug Larson

  • Don't vote, it only encourages them.
    ~Author Unknown

  • There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.
    ~Will Rogers

Contributor: Claude

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Two Naked Children

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

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Good News and Bad News

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.

First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow...

...but then the drill sergeant finished his statement:

"Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck".

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Another one for the Brits'

Two Scots were each having a Kentucky Special when the first guy, a Glaswegian, started to gag!

"I---I think I've swallowed a bone" he coughed and gasped.

His pal said "Hey Jimmy, are you choking"?

"No, you tosser, I'm fookin' serious"!

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Traditional milking

Farmer Giles was milking his cow the good old fashioned way. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a fly flew into the barn and started buzzing around his head. Suddenly, the fly flew into the cow's ear.

Farmer Giles didn't think much about it until all of a sudden the fly squirted out into his bucket...

It went in one ear and out the udder.

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When Bubba Wins the Lottery

Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery", said Bubba.

"Do what" asked Johnny Ray?

"Send my grass out to be mowed", answered Bubba.

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Little Johnny studies the auto industry

The lecture was about the development of the American auto industry.

The teacher emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs.

At the end of the lecture, she gave a test including the question: “What did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable?”

Little Johnny wrote: “0% financing.”

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Size does matter

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..

The girl panicked. She ran outside, phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.

"Yes!!!" she said " He's got one hanging there"....!

The boss said ..................................

"Go back in and give him £3.50......................He's the bloody Window Cleaner"!!!!!!!

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The Morning After

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance.

Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

"Damn," says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

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Never let a girlfriend order dinner

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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