Thursday 20th June 2019 - 10:26:45 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Knew the exact day he was going to die


First Guy: "Now my old grand daddy, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too".

Second Guy: "Wow, that's absolutely amazing. Was he psychic? Just how did he know all that"?

First Guy: "The Judge told him".


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The Harmonica


A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted"?

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this"?

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love"!!!

She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica".


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Paddy buying flowers

Paddy goes into a florist and says, I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend.

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after"?

Paddy replies...

"A shag"



Contributor: Howard


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I phoned in sick


My job is job with National Hostage Negotiators.

I phoned in sick...

but the bastards talked me out of it.


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There are trillions of nerves in the human body!




There are over seven trillion nerves in the human body!




Some people are capable of getting on every last damn one of them!






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Timely quotes

  • The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
    ~Henry Cate, VII


  • We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
    ~Aesop


  • If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
    ~Will Rogers


  • Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
    ~Plato


  • Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
    ~Nikita Khrushchev


  • When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
    ~Clarence Darrow


  • Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
    ~Author Unknown


  • If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
    ~Jay Leno


  • Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
    ~John Quinton


  • Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
    ~Oscar Ameringer


  • The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
    ~P.J. O'Rourke


  • I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
    ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952


  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
    ~Texas Guinan


  • Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.
    ~Gore Vidal


  • I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
    ~Charles de Gaulle


  • Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
    ~Doug Larson


  • Don't vote, it only encourages them.
    ~Author Unknown


  • There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.
    ~Will Rogers




Contributor: Claude


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Two Naked Children


During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”


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Good News and Bad News


The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.

First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow...

...but then the drill sergeant finished his statement:

"Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck".


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Another one for the Brits'


Two Scots were each having a Kentucky Special when the first guy, a Glaswegian, started to gag!

"I---I think I've swallowed a bone" he coughed and gasped.

His pal said "Hey Jimmy, are you choking"?

"No, you tosser, I'm fookin' serious"!


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Traditional milking

Farmer Giles was milking his cow the good old fashioned way. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a fly flew into the barn and started buzzing around his head. Suddenly, the fly flew into the cow's ear.

Farmer Giles didn't think much about it until all of a sudden the fly squirted out into his bucket...

It went in one ear and out the udder.


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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