Monday 2nd November 2020 - 12:34:09 

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A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth.

Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs...

Contributor: bassie lekekela

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Little Johnny Tested on the American Automobile Industry

Little Johnny sat in his class learning all about the development of the American automobile industry.

The teacher had emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs.

At the end of the course, she gave a test including the question: "What did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable"?

Little Johnny wrote: "0% financing".

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Now I Know What Happened

Computer: Monitor, display this document, ok?

Monitor: No prob, boss.

Computer: OK, now it looks like Mouse is moving around so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?

Monitor: Anything you ask, boss.

Computer: Great, great. OK, Mouse, where are you going now?

Mouse: Over to the icon panel, sir.

Computer: Hmmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, OK?

Mouse: Of course.

Keyboard: Sir, he's pressed both control and P simultaneously.

Monitor: Oh Flipping Charming, here we go.

Computer: Sighs: Printer, are you there?

Printer: No.

Computer: Please, Printer. I know you're there.

Printer: NO! I’m not here! Leave me alone!

Computer: Oh Hell. OK look, you really ne…

Mouse: Sir, he’s clicked on the printer icon.

Computer: Printer, now you have to print it twice.

Printer: NO! NO! NO! I don’t want to! I hate you! I hate printing! I’m turning off!

Computer: Printer, you know you can’t turn yourself off. Just print the document twice and we’ll leave you alone.

Printer: NO! That’s what you always say! I hate you! I’m out of ink!

Computer: You’re not out of in…

Printer: I’M OUT OF INK!

Computer: Sighs again: Monitor, please show a low ink level alert.

Monitor: But sir, he has plen…

Computer: Just do it, damn it!

Monitor: Yes sir.

Keyboard: AHHH! He’s hitting me!

Computer: Stay calm, he’ll stop soon. Stay calm, old friend.

Keyboard: He’s pressing everything. Oh charming, I don’t know, he’s just pressing everything!

Computer: PRINTER! Are you happy now?! Do you see what you’ve done?!

Printer: HA! that’s what you get for trying to get me to do work. Next time he…hey…HEY! He’s trying to open me! HELP! HELP! Oh My Buddha! He’s torn out my cartridge! HELP! Please! ERROR!

Monitor: Sir, maybe we should help him?

Computer: No. He did this to himself.


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Beware - Contains Colorful Words

I think you need some #coffee , or perhaps, if you want to be a real #101ca7 , you could tell #a11 your past #b055e5 to #fac0ff.

Mind you, all this decoration is really an unnecessary #facade.

It's time to get back to the #0ff1ce and stop wasting time.

Only a #deaded would continue with this post.

I feel so #de5018. I should get a job as a #cabbee.

Hope I haven't landed myself in #d00d00.

For those not in the know: Hexadecimal colors are used in web page layouts.

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Last Words of the Argument

My wife was screaming at me "Leave! Get out of this house", she ordered!

As I was walking out the door she yelled "I hope you die a slow and painful death"!!!

I turned around and replied "Ahh so you've changed your mind - so now you want me to stay"?

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Knew the exact day he was going to die

First Guy: "Now my old grand daddy, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too".

Second Guy: "Wow, that's absolutely amazing. Was he psychic? Just how did he know all that"?

First Guy: "The Judge told him".

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The Harmonica

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted"?

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this"?

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love"!!!

She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica".

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Paddy buying flowers

Paddy goes into a florist and says, I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend.

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after"?

Paddy replies...

"A shag"

Contributor: Howard

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I phoned in sick

My job is job with National Hostage Negotiators.

I phoned in sick...

but the bastards talked me out of it.

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There are trillions of nerves in the human body!

There are over seven trillion nerves in the human body!

Some people are capable of getting on every last damn one of them!

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Old Jokes   196    197    198    199  200  201    202    203    204   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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