Friday 15th November 2019 - 19:21:52 

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Yorkshire Jokes Update 001


There was a school hall full of Yorkshire women all being given an exercise lesson by Jane Fonda.

"O.K., ladies. Hands on thighs!"

As one, every woman moved her hands and a voice at the back said "What good's that, then? I can't see 'er now!"






A man goes to the vet because his cat is poorly.

The vet says "Is it a tom?"?

The man says "Nay lad, 'ah've got it 'ere in t'basket!"






A couple are playing 'I spy' in the kitchen of their home somewhere in Yorkshire.

'I spy with my little eye something beginning with T' said the husband.

"Tea pot said the wife." 'Nay Lass!'

"Tea towel." 'Nay Lass!'

"Toaster." 'Nay Lass!' he said, drumming his fingers on the work top.

"Oh I don't know" she said at long last "I give in"

'It's easy' he said. 'It's t'oven!'







A Yorkshire farmer went into a jewellers shop in Harrogate. He was constantly chewing. The salesgirl said, "Can I help you Sir?"

"Aye" he said, still chewing. "I'd like one 'o them theer rings".

"Yes Sir, wedding or engagement?"

"Wedding, tha nos", he said, chewing constantly.

"Gold or Silver?", said the salesgirl, watching him chewing.

"Gold", he said.

"Eighteen Carats?", said the girl.

"Nay lass", he said. "It's toffee and it's stuck in me teeth".






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Son calls his mother

A son called his mother in Florida.

"Mom, how are you"?

"Not too good", said the mother. "I've been very weak".

The son said, "Why are you so weak"?

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days".

The man said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days"?

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call".


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Successful Studying Tip


A college pizza delivery guy arrived at Harry's house. He knocked on the door and Harry answered.

After taking the pizza, Harry asked: "What is the usual tip"?

"Well", replied the delivery guy, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great".

"Is that so" snorted Harry? "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars".

"Thanks", replied the delivery guy, "I'll put this towards my college fund".

"What are you studying in college" asked Harry?

The delivery guy smiled and said: "Psychology".



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Another Undertaker


A man who makes caskets was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when, not that far from his destination, his car broke down.

Trying not to be late out of respect for the client, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some tea-money (bribe) off him, so they challenged him: "Hey!!! What are you carrying and where are you going?!"

The undertaker said, "Shish, I do not like where I was buried, so I am busy relocating".

The policemen turned and ran for their lives!!!

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A Jack Daniels Fishing Story


I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth.

Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs...



Contributor: bassie lekekela



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Little Johnny Tested on the American Automobile Industry


Little Johnny sat in his class learning all about the development of the American automobile industry.

The teacher had emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs.

At the end of the course, she gave a test including the question: "What did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable"?

Little Johnny wrote: "0% financing".



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Now I Know What Happened


Computer: Monitor, display this document, ok?

Monitor: No prob, boss.

Computer: OK, now it looks like Mouse is moving around so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?

Monitor: Anything you ask, boss.

Computer: Great, great. OK, Mouse, where are you going now?

Mouse: Over to the icon panel, sir.

Computer: Hmmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, OK?

Mouse: Of course.

Keyboard: Sir, he's pressed both control and P simultaneously.

Monitor: Oh Flipping Charming, here we go.

Computer: Sighs: Printer, are you there?

Printer: No.

Computer: Please, Printer. I know you're there.

Printer: NO! I’m not here! Leave me alone!

Computer: Oh Hell. OK look, you really ne…

Mouse: Sir, he’s clicked on the printer icon.

Computer: Printer, now you have to print it twice.

Printer: NO! NO! NO! I don’t want to! I hate you! I hate printing! I’m turning off!

Computer: Printer, you know you can’t turn yourself off. Just print the document twice and we’ll leave you alone.

Printer: NO! That’s what you always say! I hate you! I’m out of ink!

Computer: You’re not out of in…

Printer: I’M OUT OF INK!

Computer: Sighs again: Monitor, please show a low ink level alert.

Monitor: But sir, he has plen…

Computer: Just do it, damn it!

Monitor: Yes sir.

Keyboard: AHHH! He’s hitting me!

Computer: Stay calm, he’ll stop soon. Stay calm, old friend.

Keyboard: He’s pressing everything. Oh charming, I don’t know, he’s just pressing everything!

Computer: PRINTER! Are you happy now?! Do you see what you’ve done?!

Printer: HA! that’s what you get for trying to get me to do work. Next time he…hey…HEY! He’s trying to open me! HELP! HELP! Oh My Buddha! He’s torn out my cartridge! HELP! Please! ERROR!

Monitor: Sir, maybe we should help him?

Computer: No. He did this to himself.


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Beware - Contains Colorful Words


I think you need some #coffee , or perhaps, if you want to be a real #101ca7 , you could tell #a11 your past #b055e5 to #fac0ff.


Mind you, all this decoration is really an unnecessary #facade.


It's time to get back to the #0ff1ce and stop wasting time.


Only a #deaded would continue with this post.


I feel so #de5018. I should get a job as a #cabbee.


Hope I haven't landed myself in #d00d00.




For those not in the know: Hexadecimal colors are used in web page layouts.


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Last Words of the Argument



My wife was screaming at me "Leave! Get out of this house", she ordered!

As I was walking out the door she yelled "I hope you die a slow and painful death"!!!

I turned around and replied "Ahh so you've changed your mind - so now you want me to stay"?


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Knew the exact day he was going to die


First Guy: "Now my old grand daddy, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too".

Second Guy: "Wow, that's absolutely amazing. Was he psychic? Just how did he know all that"?

First Guy: "The Judge told him".


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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