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Top Ten Edinburgh Fringe Festival One-liners for 2012



1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks. "

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase."

5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet ... I don't know why."

6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting."

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad'."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn't fancy her chances."




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Little Johnny and Sunday Dinner


Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," Little Johnny replied.

"Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.”


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The sun brings out the best in people


After nearly a week of rain days and miserable weather a woman yells upstairs to her husband, "quick, come down and see this, the sun has just come out".

Her husband quickly threw on his shorts and sandals and went out to the backyard to see his seventeen year old son holding hands with his best buddy...


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More Medical Reports

Allegedly sentences actually typed by Glaswegian medical secretaries

  1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

  2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

  3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

  4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

  5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

  6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

  7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

  8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

  9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

  10. Healthy appearing 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

  11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

  12. She is numb from her toes down.

  13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

  14. The skin was moist and dry.

  15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

  16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

  17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

  18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.


  19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

  20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

  21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

  22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

  23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

  24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

  25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

  26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

  27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

  28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

  29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

  30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

  31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ‘Smith’, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

  32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

  33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.




Maybe best to stay very far away from hospitals?


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A bit of Olympics History


A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp Pricks!"


Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics."


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Strange things that excite women


The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you" she said and then she got all excited!!!

She quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....

Which is rather strange because this is the first time she's shown an interest in my darts.


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The Pope and Obama at the Baseball Game


After their meeting at the United Nations they attended a baseball game. Neither intended missing an opportunity to speak to the enormous crowd so each decided to say a few words before the start of the game.

The Pope and Obama were not exactly getting along well and while on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of the enormous crowd, the Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice"!

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With just one little wave of your hand....Show me"!

So the Pope backhanded Obama and knocked him completely off the stage!

The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was much rejoicing and happiness throughout the land!


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Breast Feeding on a Bus

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here".

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here".

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago"!!!


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Winner of Joke of the Year

Allegedly this joke was voted Joke of the year by women readers throughout the world.

You've just got to believe these polls :)


A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen". God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school,came home and picked up the dry cleaning,took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: – "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please, let us trade back".

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night...



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Little Johnny Playing his Violin


Little Johnny was practising the violin in the living room, while his father was reading the football results.

Pluto, the family dog was there as well and was howling at the violin screeching sounds.

Little Johnny's father listened to Pluto and the violin for as long as he could. Then he jumped up, threw his newspaper on the floor and shouted, "For crying out loud's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know"?


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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