Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 15:02:27 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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A Lady was being examined by her Doctor

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your eyes sight, hearing, heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all sorts of trouble".

The lady started taking off her clothes.

Doctor, quickly stopped her and said: "No! No! Just show me your tongue".

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Health warning.

C.N.N. reports a new virus has been discovered recently. One person can pass it on to millions as it is very contagious.

The center for disease control has reported this week that the virus spreads very rapidly from one person to the next.

They have put a very interesting name on this virus. It is called...

a smile

o o

Uh! Oh! Too late!!!

I can see it on your face now!

You've got the virus!!!!!!

Have a great day and pass it on!!!

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Paddy wakes up after a night on the ale

Paddy staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates.

When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place.

"Glory be" said Paddy! "I must have been really drunk when I got home...

I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out"!

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Banned forever for answering telephone

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not just an athlete.

She is also a senior nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit (ICU) of a large metropolitan hospital.

As from today she is no longer allowed to answer the hospital ICU telephone.

Apparently it caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, I.C.U".

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Juggler pulled by a Traffic Cop

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are those knives doing in your car", the officer asked?

"I use them in my juggling act", says the juggler.

"Oh yeah"? Let's see you do it", says the policeman.

So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now"!

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Top Ten Edinburgh Fringe Festival One-liners for 2012

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks. "

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase."

5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet ... I don't know why."

6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting."

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad'."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn't fancy her chances."


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Little Johnny and Sunday Dinner

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," Little Johnny replied.

"Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.”

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The sun brings out the best in people

After nearly a week of rain days and miserable weather a woman yells upstairs to her husband, "quick, come down and see this, the sun has just come out".

Her husband quickly threw on his shorts and sandals and went out to the backyard to see his seventeen year old son holding hands with his best buddy...

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More Medical Reports

Allegedly sentences actually typed by Glaswegian medical secretaries

  1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

  2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

  3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

  4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

  5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

  6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

  7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

  8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

  9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

  10. Healthy appearing 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

  11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

  12. She is numb from her toes down.

  13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

  14. The skin was moist and dry.

  15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

  16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

  17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

  18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

  19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

  20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

  21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

  22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

  23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

  24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

  25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

  26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

  27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

  28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

  29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

  30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

  31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ‘Smith’, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

  32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

  33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Maybe best to stay very far away from hospitals?

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A bit of Olympics History

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp Pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics."

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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