Monday 24th September 2018 - 07:20:06 

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Texas Road Traffic State Trooper

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.

"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy asshole would've tried that shit with me!"


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Passengers boarding at Gate 39


At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 39. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 404 will board from Gate 42".

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 404 would in fact be boarding from Gate 42.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program". "I hope you have a nice day".


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A Lady was being examined by her Doctor


While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your eyes sight, hearing, heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all sorts of trouble".

The lady started taking off her clothes.

Doctor, quickly stopped her and said: "No! No! Just show me your tongue".


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Health warning.


C.N.N. reports a new virus has been discovered recently. One person can pass it on to millions as it is very contagious.

The center for disease control has reported this week that the virus spreads very rapidly from one person to the next.

They have put a very interesting name on this virus. It is called...

a smile



--
o o
-
\__/
.




Uh! Oh! Too late!!!

I can see it on your face now!

You've got the virus!!!!!!

Have a great day and pass it on!!!


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Paddy wakes up after a night on the ale

Paddy staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates.

When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place.

"Glory be" said Paddy! "I must have been really drunk when I got home...

I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out"!



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Banned forever for answering telephone

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not just an athlete.

She is also a senior nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit (ICU) of a large metropolitan hospital.

As from today she is no longer allowed to answer the hospital ICU telephone.

Apparently it caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, I.C.U".


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Juggler pulled by a Traffic Cop

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are those knives doing in your car", the officer asked?

"I use them in my juggling act", says the juggler.

"Oh yeah"? Let's see you do it", says the policeman.

So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now"!



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Top Ten Edinburgh Fringe Festival One-liners for 2012



1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks. "

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase."

5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet ... I don't know why."

6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting."

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad'."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn't fancy her chances."




.


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Little Johnny and Sunday Dinner


Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," Little Johnny replied.

"Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.”


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The sun brings out the best in people


After nearly a week of rain days and miserable weather a woman yells upstairs to her husband, "quick, come down and see this, the sun has just come out".

Her husband quickly threw on his shorts and sandals and went out to the backyard to see his seventeen year old son holding hands with his best buddy...


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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