Wednesday 18th September 2019 - 03:37:50 

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Las Vegas Monks

Las Vegas has many churches, and people frequently drop casino chips into the collection plates.

The various churches cannot easily turn them into dollars, so a service was started by a group of Franciscan monks to pick up the chips weekly and go around to the various casinos and redeem the chips for dollars. They support themselves this way and provide a valuable service.

They are called chipmonks.


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Wife vs Girlfriend

Wife is like a TV
Girlfriend is like a mobile

At home you watch TV
but when you go out you take your mobile

No money, you keep your old TV
got money, you change your mobile

Sometimes you enjoy TV
but most of the time you play with your mobile

TV is free for life
but for the mobile, if you dont pay, services will be terminated

TV is big and bulky
mobile is cute, slim, curvy and very portable

Operational costs for TV is minimal
but for the mobile it is often high and demanding

Most importantly, mobile is a two-way communication ( you talk and listen )
but with the TV you must only listen ( whether you like it or not )

but always remember.....



TV’s dont have viruses
mobiles often do...




Contributor: Jlo


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Priceless Number-002


-'My wife went out to buy a jug of milk and never came back!

-'How are you coping?

-'I use this powdered stuff!





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Priceless Number-001

-'Honey, do I please you in bed?

-'Yes, especially this trick you do with your mouth!

-'What trick?

-'When you shut up and go to sleep!


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Texas Road Traffic State Trooper

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.

"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy asshole would've tried that shit with me!"


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Passengers boarding at Gate 39


At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 39. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 404 will board from Gate 42".

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 404 would in fact be boarding from Gate 42.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program". "I hope you have a nice day".


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A Lady was being examined by her Doctor


While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your eyes sight, hearing, heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all sorts of trouble".

The lady started taking off her clothes.

Doctor, quickly stopped her and said: "No! No! Just show me your tongue".


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Health warning.


C.N.N. reports a new virus has been discovered recently. One person can pass it on to millions as it is very contagious.

The center for disease control has reported this week that the virus spreads very rapidly from one person to the next.

They have put a very interesting name on this virus. It is called...

a smile



--
o o
-
\__/
.




Uh! Oh! Too late!!!

I can see it on your face now!

You've got the virus!!!!!!

Have a great day and pass it on!!!


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Paddy wakes up after a night on the ale

Paddy staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates.

When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place.

"Glory be" said Paddy! "I must have been really drunk when I got home...

I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out"!



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Banned forever for answering telephone

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not just an athlete.

She is also a senior nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit (ICU) of a large metropolitan hospital.

As from today she is no longer allowed to answer the hospital ICU telephone.

Apparently it caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, I.C.U".


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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