Monday 29th June 2020 - 09:17:22 

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Hot Flushes, Fainting - Call 911

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

The man said "It was enough to make anybody faint...

my son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower"!

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Low Battery Warning


A Young man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his cell as "LOW BATTERY".

Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger.

Give that man a medal:

The Caller of the Year Award:

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Case Closed

I Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice cold beers.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I pondered about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another baby". On the other hand, you'll never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the nuts".

I rest my case.

Case closed!

Contributor: HapSailor (Prostate Pointers)

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Street Juggler

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now"?





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Four Juvenile Delinquents at the Zoo

A policeman brought four boys before a judge.

"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor", he said.

"Boys", said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.

Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong".

"My name is George", said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen".

"My name is Pete", said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen".

"My name is Mike", said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen".

"My name is Peanuts", said the fourth boy.

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Las Vegas Monks

Las Vegas has many churches, and people frequently drop casino chips into the collection plates.

The various churches cannot easily turn them into dollars, so a service was started by a group of Franciscan monks to pick up the chips weekly and go around to the various casinos and redeem the chips for dollars. They support themselves this way and provide a valuable service.

They are called chipmonks.

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Wife vs Girlfriend

Wife is like a TV
Girlfriend is like a mobile

At home you watch TV
but when you go out you take your mobile

No money, you keep your old TV
got money, you change your mobile

Sometimes you enjoy TV
but most of the time you play with your mobile

TV is free for life
but for the mobile, if you dont pay, services will be terminated

TV is big and bulky
mobile is cute, slim, curvy and very portable

Operational costs for TV is minimal
but for the mobile it is often high and demanding

Most importantly, mobile is a two-way communication ( you talk and listen )
but with the TV you must only listen ( whether you like it or not )

but always remember.....

TV’s dont have viruses
mobiles often do...

Contributor: Jlo

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Priceless Number-002

-'My wife went out to buy a jug of milk and never came back!

-'How are you coping?

-'I use this powdered stuff!

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Priceless Number-001

-'Honey, do I please you in bed?

-'Yes, especially this trick you do with your mouth!

-'What trick?

-'When you shut up and go to sleep!

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Texas Road Traffic State Trooper

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.

"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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