Saturday 19th September 2020 - 15:05:38 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


Proof Reading Book Error Sold Millions

One million copies of a new book sold in just two days due a a typing error of just one alphabet character in the title.

Title of the Book:


"An idea than can change your wife".


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Rain on your Parade

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less makes your life miserable . . . . .

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome, why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste . . . "

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot."

"The hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!"

"I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?'"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Happy Little Rabbit

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Frank and his New Rifle

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting do you?


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Why We All Love Walter the Chemist

18 reasons why we love and want to date Walter the (Breaking Bad) Chemist :)


  1. They may name a molecule after him.

  2. He has all the solutions.

  3. He has all the right elements.

  4. He is constantly learning and improving his technique.

  5. He is used to pulling all nighters.

  6. He has significant figures.

  7. He is used to exchanging fluids.

  8. He knows how to handle hot items.

  9. He does it periodically on the table.

  10. He he'll give and take until he finds equilibrium.

  11. He always wears protection.

  12. He has no problems resorting to gadgets and gizmos to get the job done.

  13. He knows how to speed up or slow down the reaction before it comes to completion.

  14. It's a mystery what we wears under his lab coat.

  15. He likes to experiment.

  16. He has Chemistry!

  17. "Just a little bit more, slower, slower, almost there, yes, yes, YES!!!!"
    (if we get THAT excited about titration, just imagine the possibilities!)

  18. And most importantly than anything else...

    He has drugs!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A German Tourist Walks Into a Mcdonalds

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Cinderella Was Now 95 Years Old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she was happily sitting upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said: "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do.

What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had"

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so handsome the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Two Southern Ladies

One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?"

To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."

The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises."

The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."

"Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?"

"Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school."

"Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks.

To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a fuck, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Illegal Immigrants - Politically Incorrect

What do you call the first illegal Immigrant off the boat?
Amhere



What do you call the second illegal Immigrant off the boat?
Amhere Azwel



What do you call the third illegal Immigrant off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Middle Finger History


Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or shortened to "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew"! Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative "F", and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

It is still considered an appropriate salye to the French today!

And "yew" thought "yew" knew every "plucking" thing.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   201    202    203    204  205  206    207    208    209   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.11  Debug: 34.200.236.68 / 711,176Mb / 15:05:38 / 200 / No Errors