Tuesday 21st August 2018 - 01:41:58 

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Arab Pilot Foils Jewish Interrogators


During the war between Israel and the Arab Countries an Arabic plane was shot down. The pilot was captured and the Israelis tries to get him to tell all technical details about the plane. .

"How fast can it fly?"

The pilot says nothing and the Israelis gives him a good beating.

"How many rockets does the plane carry?"

Again the pilot doesn't responds and he get another good beating.

"What is the maximum altitude of flying?"

The pilot responds with silence, and get another beating. This goes on and on and the Israelis get nothing out of the Arabic pilot so they decide to release him.

When the pilot returned home he was considered to be a national hero and he get interviewed by a reporter.

The reporter asks the pilot if he has any tips to other pilots if they get caught.




"Make sure you know all the technical details about the planes, otherwise they beat the crap out of you!"


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Two guys met in the middle of the desert


One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.

The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it just never rains in the desert"?

The other guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don't even have a car to go with it"?

The guy with the car door replies, "Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window"!


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A Jewish God


A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

'So what are your plans?' the father asks the young man.
'I am a Torah scholar,' he replies.

'A Torah scholar. Hmmm,' the father says. 'admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?'

'I will study,' the young man replies, 'and God will provide for us.'
'And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?' asks the father.

'I will concentrate on my studies,' the young man replies, 'God will provide for us.'
'And children?' asks the father. 'How will you support children?'

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, 'How did it go, darling?'
The father answers, 'He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I'm God.'


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The Wife's Telephone Number


A newly married husband saved his wife's number on his mobile as "My life"

After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife"

After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home"

After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler"

After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "Wrong Number"


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Proud to be British!

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have nothing today

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.




Latest Update and Breaking News:

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British!



Contributor: Jem




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Pain in the Knee

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk"!

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you"?

"I'm 98", the man announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect"?

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt"!


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A Long, Long Time Ago


...people who sacrifice their sleep, family, food, laughter and other joys of life were called SAINTS


But now, they are called IT Professionals.




The Coffee Lover's Prayer

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.

It maketh me to wake in green pastures:

It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz:

It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal

For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar, they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Thyne Starbucks;

Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life;

and I will dwell in the House of Mocha forever.


Americano


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Proof Reading Book Error Sold Millions

One million copies of a new book sold in just two days due a a typing error of just one alphabet character in the title.

Title of the Book:


"An idea than can change your wife".


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Rain on your Parade

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less makes your life miserable . . . . .

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome, why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste . . . "

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot."

"The hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!"

"I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?'"


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The Happy Little Rabbit

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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