Monday 29th June 2020 - 21:25:37 

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Seven Days Without Laughter, Makes One Weak.

I hate it when guys try to pick up girls on Facebook. I think its really sad .... if you agree ladies drop me a message and we'll talk about it xx ;-)

"I can see for miles."
Said Miles's guide dog, quite unexpectedly.

I bought a herb plant today,
I think it's mint.

Did you hear the one about the pregnant dog that wandered onto the M1?
She stopped along the shoulder, had her puppies and was promptly arrested for littering.

I wonder if a camel ever looks down and thinks "wow 4 fanny's"

If at first you don't succeed! .....Skydiving's not for you!!

Why did the cow go on holiday? Cause it had a wee calf

How do you smell dyslexic?

What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A dog that chases cars - - and catches them!

A soft drinks factory has suffered a major leak, flooding a nearby village with thousands of litres of lemonade.
Reports suggest dozens of people have been schwepped away.

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Paddy in the Pharmacy

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief." says Paddy,"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

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Comforting the Grammar Police

q: What do you say when you're comforting the Grammar Police?

a. There, Their, They're

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Paddy and the Texan

A Texan walk in a bar in Ireland, asks the bartender for a beer and then turns around and says "I have $100 US money for anyone in here who can drink 10 Guinness back to back non stop".

No one answers him and Paddy gets up and walks out. So the Texan sits down to his beer with a smile on his face.

About 30 minutes later the Paddy comes back and walks up to the Texan and asks him "is that offer still good"?

The Texan say "Sure" then jumps up and orders 10 Guinness for Paddy.

Paddy starts knocking them back one after the other all the way down.

As the Texan is standing their counting out the money he asks "I just got to know where did ya go for that 30 minutes you left"?

Paddy looks at him and says "Oh I went to the pub down the road to see if I could do it first".

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Smart Alec Pulled by the Police

"Hello officer" said the smart Alec kid.

"Young man did you see that stop sign" asked the cop?

Yup, but I didn't see you!

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Arab Pilot Foils Jewish Interrogators

During the war between Israel and the Arab Countries an Arabic plane was shot down. The pilot was captured and the Israelis tries to get him to tell all technical details about the plane. .

"How fast can it fly?"

The pilot says nothing and the Israelis gives him a good beating.

"How many rockets does the plane carry?"

Again the pilot doesn't responds and he get another good beating.

"What is the maximum altitude of flying?"

The pilot responds with silence, and get another beating. This goes on and on and the Israelis get nothing out of the Arabic pilot so they decide to release him.

When the pilot returned home he was considered to be a national hero and he get interviewed by a reporter.

The reporter asks the pilot if he has any tips to other pilots if they get caught.

"Make sure you know all the technical details about the planes, otherwise they beat the crap out of you!"

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Two guys met in the middle of the desert

One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.

The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it just never rains in the desert"?

The other guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don't even have a car to go with it"?

The guy with the car door replies, "Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window"!

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A Jewish God

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

'So what are your plans?' the father asks the young man.
'I am a Torah scholar,' he replies.

'A Torah scholar. Hmmm,' the father says. 'admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?'

'I will study,' the young man replies, 'and God will provide for us.'
'And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?' asks the father.

'I will concentrate on my studies,' the young man replies, 'God will provide for us.'
'And children?' asks the father. 'How will you support children?'

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, 'How did it go, darling?'
The father answers, 'He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I'm God.'

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The Wife's Telephone Number

A newly married husband saved his wife's number on his mobile as "My life"

After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife"

After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home"

After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler"

After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "Wrong Number"

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Proud to be British!

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have nothing today

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

Latest Update and Breaking News:

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British!

Contributor: Jem

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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