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Fifty Sheds of Grey

I don't know if any of you have read this book, if you haven’t, the following might give you an idea of what it is all about.

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

Contributor: Jem

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Paddy in the Pharmacy

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief." says Paddy,"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

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Comforting the Grammar Police

q: What do you say when you're comforting the Grammar Police?

a. There, Their, They're

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Paddy and the Texan

A Texan walk in a bar in Ireland, asks the bartender for a beer and then turns around and says "I have $100 US money for anyone in here who can drink 10 Guinness back to back non stop".

No one answers him and Paddy gets up and walks out. So the Texan sits down to his beer with a smile on his face.

About 30 minutes later the Paddy comes back and walks up to the Texan and asks him "is that offer still good"?

The Texan say "Sure" then jumps up and orders 10 Guinness for Paddy.

Paddy starts knocking them back one after the other all the way down.

As the Texan is standing their counting out the money he asks "I just got to know where did ya go for that 30 minutes you left"?

Paddy looks at him and says "Oh I went to the pub down the road to see if I could do it first".

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Smart Alec Pulled by the Police

"Hello officer" said the smart Alec kid.

"Young man did you see that stop sign" asked the cop?

Yup, but I didn't see you!

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Arab Pilot Foils Jewish Interrogators

During the war between Israel and the Arab Countries an Arabic plane was shot down. The pilot was captured and the Israelis tries to get him to tell all technical details about the plane. .

"How fast can it fly?"

The pilot says nothing and the Israelis gives him a good beating.

"How many rockets does the plane carry?"

Again the pilot doesn't responds and he get another good beating.

"What is the maximum altitude of flying?"

The pilot responds with silence, and get another beating. This goes on and on and the Israelis get nothing out of the Arabic pilot so they decide to release him.

When the pilot returned home he was considered to be a national hero and he get interviewed by a reporter.

The reporter asks the pilot if he has any tips to other pilots if they get caught.

"Make sure you know all the technical details about the planes, otherwise they beat the crap out of you!"

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Two guys met in the middle of the desert

One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.

The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it just never rains in the desert"?

The other guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don't even have a car to go with it"?

The guy with the car door replies, "Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window"!

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A Jewish God

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

'So what are your plans?' the father asks the young man.
'I am a Torah scholar,' he replies.

'A Torah scholar. Hmmm,' the father says. 'admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?'

'I will study,' the young man replies, 'and God will provide for us.'
'And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?' asks the father.

'I will concentrate on my studies,' the young man replies, 'God will provide for us.'
'And children?' asks the father. 'How will you support children?'

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, 'How did it go, darling?'
The father answers, 'He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I'm God.'

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The Wife's Telephone Number

A newly married husband saved his wife's number on his mobile as "My life"

After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife"

After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home"

After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler"

After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "Wrong Number"

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