Tuesday 12th November 2019 - 08:48:00 

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Ten Reasons Thanksgiving Dinner is Better than Sex


10. You're sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.


9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.


8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.


7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.


6. There are always at least two kinds of desert, with or without whipped cream.


5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.


4. Thanksgiving dinner is a "sure" thing.


3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!


2. You're expected to fall asleep after dinner.


And the number 1 reason why Thanksgiving dinner is better than sex:


1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.


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Bubba knows the Front of a Tree


Bubba the Redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see God's country. When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!!!!

Bubba walks into an international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day!!! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree "see that tree over there, I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains".

Bubba the redneck promptly answers, "that thar's a whitepine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er".

The foreman is impressed!!! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.

Bubba replies "that's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet".

The foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!!!!

One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again.. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "and what about that one"?

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Bubba says, "white oak, 242 board feet at best".

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is. As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "see that tree over there"? "I want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!!"

The foreman thinks to himself, "idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree"?

When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a big white 'X' on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "that thar's the front", Bubba says.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "how in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree"?

The good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "cuz somebody took a s**t behind it"!

Needless to say he got the job and started the very same day.


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Fifty Sheds of Grey

I don't know if any of you have read this book, if you haven’t, the following might give you an idea of what it is all about.




Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.



She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.



She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.



Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.



"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."



"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.



"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"



I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.



"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.



"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."



"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.



"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.



"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD



Contributor: Jem


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Facebook Crap Joke Central's Latest Jokes

Seven Days Without Laughter, Makes One Weak.


I hate it when guys try to pick up girls on Facebook. I think its really sad .... if you agree ladies drop me a message and we'll talk about it xx ;-)


"I can see for miles."
Said Miles's guide dog, quite unexpectedly.


I bought a herb plant today,
I think it's mint.


Did you hear the one about the pregnant dog that wandered onto the M1?
She stopped along the shoulder, had her puppies and was promptly arrested for littering.


I wonder if a camel ever looks down and thinks "wow 4 fanny's"


If at first you don't succeed! .....Skydiving's not for you!!


Why did the cow go on holiday? Cause it had a wee calf


How do you smell dyslexic?


What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A dog that chases cars - - and catches them!


A soft drinks factory has suffered a major leak, flooding a nearby village with thousands of litres of lemonade.
Reports suggest dozens of people have been schwepped away.



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Paddy in the Pharmacy


One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief." says Paddy,"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."


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Comforting the Grammar Police

q: What do you say when you're comforting the Grammar Police?

a. There, Their, They're


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Paddy and the Texan


A Texan walk in a bar in Ireland, asks the bartender for a beer and then turns around and says "I have $100 US money for anyone in here who can drink 10 Guinness back to back non stop".

No one answers him and Paddy gets up and walks out. So the Texan sits down to his beer with a smile on his face.

About 30 minutes later the Paddy comes back and walks up to the Texan and asks him "is that offer still good"?

The Texan say "Sure" then jumps up and orders 10 Guinness for Paddy.

Paddy starts knocking them back one after the other all the way down.

As the Texan is standing their counting out the money he asks "I just got to know where did ya go for that 30 minutes you left"?

Paddy looks at him and says "Oh I went to the pub down the road to see if I could do it first".


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Smart Alec Pulled by the Police


"Hello officer" said the smart Alec kid.

"Young man did you see that stop sign" asked the cop?

Yup, but I didn't see you!



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Arab Pilot Foils Jewish Interrogators


During the war between Israel and the Arab Countries an Arabic plane was shot down. The pilot was captured and the Israelis tries to get him to tell all technical details about the plane. .

"How fast can it fly?"

The pilot says nothing and the Israelis gives him a good beating.

"How many rockets does the plane carry?"

Again the pilot doesn't responds and he get another good beating.

"What is the maximum altitude of flying?"

The pilot responds with silence, and get another beating. This goes on and on and the Israelis get nothing out of the Arabic pilot so they decide to release him.

When the pilot returned home he was considered to be a national hero and he get interviewed by a reporter.

The reporter asks the pilot if he has any tips to other pilots if they get caught.




"Make sure you know all the technical details about the planes, otherwise they beat the crap out of you!"


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Two guys met in the middle of the desert


One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.

The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it just never rains in the desert"?

The other guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don't even have a car to go with it"?

The guy with the car door replies, "Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window"!


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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