Monday 21st September 2020 - 23:27:44 

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Main Reason Why I Write

Because kidnapping people

and forcing them to act out

my interesting make-believe

worlds is technically illegal...

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Downhill Race with a Harley

I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of mountain road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that say "MAX SPEED 50 KPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out-power me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain and I had preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of Brit iron.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Raleigh cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...

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Ten Reasons Thanksgiving Dinner is Better than Sex

10. You're sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.

9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.

8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.

7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.

6. There are always at least two kinds of desert, with or without whipped cream.

5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.

4. Thanksgiving dinner is a "sure" thing.

3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!

2. You're expected to fall asleep after dinner.

And the number 1 reason why Thanksgiving dinner is better than sex:

1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.

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Bubba knows the Front of a Tree

Bubba the Redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see God's country. When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!!!!

Bubba walks into an international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day!!! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree "see that tree over there, I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains".

Bubba the redneck promptly answers, "that thar's a whitepine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er".

The foreman is impressed!!! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.

Bubba replies "that's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet".

The foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!!!!

One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again.. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "and what about that one"?

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Bubba says, "white oak, 242 board feet at best".

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is. As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "see that tree over there"? "I want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!!"

The foreman thinks to himself, "idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree"?

When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a big white 'X' on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "that thar's the front", Bubba says.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "how in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree"?

The good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "cuz somebody took a s**t behind it"!

Needless to say he got the job and started the very same day.

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Fifty Sheds of Grey

I don't know if any of you have read this book, if you haven’t, the following might give you an idea of what it is all about.

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

Contributor: Jem

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Facebook Crap Joke Central's Latest Jokes

Seven Days Without Laughter, Makes One Weak.

I hate it when guys try to pick up girls on Facebook. I think its really sad .... if you agree ladies drop me a message and we'll talk about it xx ;-)

"I can see for miles."
Said Miles's guide dog, quite unexpectedly.

I bought a herb plant today,
I think it's mint.

Did you hear the one about the pregnant dog that wandered onto the M1?
She stopped along the shoulder, had her puppies and was promptly arrested for littering.

I wonder if a camel ever looks down and thinks "wow 4 fanny's"

If at first you don't succeed! .....Skydiving's not for you!!

Why did the cow go on holiday? Cause it had a wee calf

How do you smell dyslexic?

What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A dog that chases cars - - and catches them!

A soft drinks factory has suffered a major leak, flooding a nearby village with thousands of litres of lemonade.
Reports suggest dozens of people have been schwepped away.

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Paddy in the Pharmacy

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief." says Paddy,"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

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Comforting the Grammar Police

q: What do you say when you're comforting the Grammar Police?

a. There, Their, They're

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Paddy and the Texan

A Texan walk in a bar in Ireland, asks the bartender for a beer and then turns around and says "I have $100 US money for anyone in here who can drink 10 Guinness back to back non stop".

No one answers him and Paddy gets up and walks out. So the Texan sits down to his beer with a smile on his face.

About 30 minutes later the Paddy comes back and walks up to the Texan and asks him "is that offer still good"?

The Texan say "Sure" then jumps up and orders 10 Guinness for Paddy.

Paddy starts knocking them back one after the other all the way down.

As the Texan is standing their counting out the money he asks "I just got to know where did ya go for that 30 minutes you left"?

Paddy looks at him and says "Oh I went to the pub down the road to see if I could do it first".

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Smart Alec Pulled by the Police

"Hello officer" said the smart Alec kid.

"Young man did you see that stop sign" asked the cop?

Yup, but I didn't see you!

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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