Saturday 19th October 2019 - 13:37:25 

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Hit and Run but Recognized


Traffic Cop: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down"?

Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law"!

Traffic Cop: "How can you be so certain"?

Pedestrian: "I'd recognize that laugh anywhere"!


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Little Johnny and his animal biscuits

Little Johnny returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, little Johnny opened his box of animal biscuits and spread them all over the kitchen table.

"What are you doing" asked his mom?

"The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken", said the little Johnny. "I'm looking for the broken seal".


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A Sadist meets a Masochist


A sadist was walking down the street one day when he accidentally ran into a fellow who had just stepped out of a grocery store knocking him to the ground. The sadist was apologizing profusely while he helped the unfortunate shopper to his feet and aided him in gathering his groceries, now strewn all over the sidewalk.

The shopper began telling the sadist that his scrapes and bruises were no problem since he was a masochist and enjoyed pain.

Upon learning this news, the sadist asked the masochist if he would like to accompany him home for some fun and games. I'm a sadist you see.

The masochists' eyes lit up and he quickly agreed.

After reaching the home of the sadist the masochist was practically beside himself with anticipation. He nearly swooned as the sadist shackled him in a corner and walked to the opposite wall where a cat of nine tails was hanging and took it from its perch.

The masochist was now trembling with anticipation and asked; "Are you going to beat me with that?"



The sadist, with a gleam in his eye, answered; "NO"


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Can you remember these signs?


BRINGS BACK MEMORIES:






For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs,
here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's, '40's and '50's.

Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads,
Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers'
fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100
feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the
obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream .
Here are more of the actual signs:

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
BURMA SHAVE

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS HOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave


Do these bring back any old memories?
If not, you're merely a child.
If they do - then you're old as dirt.


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Helicoptor Flight Instructor and his Student

An instructor and student are sitting in a helicopter, the instructor says "Take it straight up to 100 feet and bring it back down".

The student does without a problem, so the instructor tells him to "Take it up to 200 feet and back down".

Again the student's performance is flawless.

Then the instructor gets out of the chopper and tells the student that his first solo is to take it up to 300 feet and land it by himself.

The student takes off and gets up to about 300 feet then suddenly comes crashing down.

The instructor runs up to the wreckage and says "You were doing so good...what happened"?

The student replies "Well I got up to about 290 feet, but it got so cold up there I figured I would turn the big fan off".


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Main Reason Why I Write


Because kidnapping people

and forcing them to act out

my interesting make-believe

worlds is technically illegal...



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Downhill Race with a Harley


I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of mountain road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that say "MAX SPEED 50 KPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out-power me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain and I had preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of Brit iron.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Raleigh cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...



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Ten Reasons Thanksgiving Dinner is Better than Sex


10. You're sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.


9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.


8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.


7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.


6. There are always at least two kinds of desert, with or without whipped cream.


5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.


4. Thanksgiving dinner is a "sure" thing.


3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!


2. You're expected to fall asleep after dinner.


And the number 1 reason why Thanksgiving dinner is better than sex:


1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.


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Bubba knows the Front of a Tree


Bubba the Redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see God's country. When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!!!!

Bubba walks into an international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day!!! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree "see that tree over there, I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains".

Bubba the redneck promptly answers, "that thar's a whitepine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er".

The foreman is impressed!!! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.

Bubba replies "that's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet".

The foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!!!!

One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again.. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "and what about that one"?

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Bubba says, "white oak, 242 board feet at best".

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is. As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "see that tree over there"? "I want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!!"

The foreman thinks to himself, "idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree"?

When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a big white 'X' on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "that thar's the front", Bubba says.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "how in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree"?

The good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "cuz somebody took a s**t behind it"!

Needless to say he got the job and started the very same day.


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Fifty Sheds of Grey

I don't know if any of you have read this book, if you haven’t, the following might give you an idea of what it is all about.




Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.



She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.



She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.



Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.



"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."



"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.



"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"



I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.



"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.



"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."



"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.



"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.



"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD



Contributor: Jem


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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