Friday 19th July 2019 - 19:15:56 

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A glass of water for Little Johnny



The father was baby sitting while his wife went to a PTA meeting.

Later in the evening the father settled down to watch TV.

But little Johnny repeatedly kept coming down stairs and asking for a glass of water.

After the fifth glass,the dad lost his patience and yelled, "I'm trying to watch the TV. Now go back to bed".

“But Dad”, the little Johnny whined, "my room is still on fire"!


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An Old Golfer's Problem



An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.

The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps".

They both played well. Coming into the par three 18th they were even. The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the green with the next stroke and then putt for a par with the following play.

The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap on his second stroke, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!

The Assistant Pro was stunned. "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps".

"I do,” replied the octogenarian. “Give me a hand".


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Ultimate Birthday Present for the Wife

A few days before his wife's birthday

Husband: Dear, what would you like for your present?

Wife: I really don't think I should say.

Husband: How about a diamond ring?

Wife: I don't care much for diamonds.

Husband: Well then, how about a mink coat?

Wife: You know I do not like furs.

Husband: A gold or pearl necklace?

Wife: I already have three of them.

Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?

Wife: What I'd really like is a divorce

Husband: Hmmm, I wasn't planning on spending that much...




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Hit and Run but Recognized


Traffic Cop: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down"?

Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law"!

Traffic Cop: "How can you be so certain"?

Pedestrian: "I'd recognize that laugh anywhere"!


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Little Johnny and his animal biscuits

Little Johnny returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, little Johnny opened his box of animal biscuits and spread them all over the kitchen table.

"What are you doing" asked his mom?

"The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken", said the little Johnny. "I'm looking for the broken seal".


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A Sadist meets a Masochist


A sadist was walking down the street one day when he accidentally ran into a fellow who had just stepped out of a grocery store knocking him to the ground. The sadist was apologizing profusely while he helped the unfortunate shopper to his feet and aided him in gathering his groceries, now strewn all over the sidewalk.

The shopper began telling the sadist that his scrapes and bruises were no problem since he was a masochist and enjoyed pain.

Upon learning this news, the sadist asked the masochist if he would like to accompany him home for some fun and games. I'm a sadist you see.

The masochists' eyes lit up and he quickly agreed.

After reaching the home of the sadist the masochist was practically beside himself with anticipation. He nearly swooned as the sadist shackled him in a corner and walked to the opposite wall where a cat of nine tails was hanging and took it from its perch.

The masochist was now trembling with anticipation and asked; "Are you going to beat me with that?"



The sadist, with a gleam in his eye, answered; "NO"


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Can you remember these signs?


BRINGS BACK MEMORIES:






For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs,
here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's, '40's and '50's.

Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads,
Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers'
fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100
feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the
obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream .
Here are more of the actual signs:

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
BURMA SHAVE

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS HOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave


Do these bring back any old memories?
If not, you're merely a child.
If they do - then you're old as dirt.


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Helicoptor Flight Instructor and his Student

An instructor and student are sitting in a helicopter, the instructor says "Take it straight up to 100 feet and bring it back down".

The student does without a problem, so the instructor tells him to "Take it up to 200 feet and back down".

Again the student's performance is flawless.

Then the instructor gets out of the chopper and tells the student that his first solo is to take it up to 300 feet and land it by himself.

The student takes off and gets up to about 300 feet then suddenly comes crashing down.

The instructor runs up to the wreckage and says "You were doing so good...what happened"?

The student replies "Well I got up to about 290 feet, but it got so cold up there I figured I would turn the big fan off".


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Main Reason Why I Write


Because kidnapping people

and forcing them to act out

my interesting make-believe

worlds is technically illegal...



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Downhill Race with a Harley


I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of mountain road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that say "MAX SPEED 50 KPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out-power me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain and I had preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of Brit iron.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Raleigh cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...



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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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