Tuesday 19th March 2019 - 23:39:47 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


The Paratrooper

A young man joined the paratroopers. After a great deal of training, he finally went to take his first jump from a plane. The next day, he called his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" his dad asked.

"Well, we got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened the door up and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet.

Then the sergeant started to grab the other men and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"No. I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to jump or he'd kick my arse."

"So, did you jump?".

"Not then. He tried to push me out, but I held onto the door. Finally the Jump Master called me over and said "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?" I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared."

So the Jump Master took his penis out. It was 10 inches long and as big as a cricket bat! He said, Either you jump or I'm sticking this little baby up your arse."

So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Married Man and the Secretary

A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to ‘work late’ and she said, ‘no problem.’

After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife?

He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Inspired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.

Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed, "Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!"

His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look at what he did to my tits!"



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Union Worker

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied. "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. So he handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85-year old woman in the corner, "but according to union rules, Ethel here has seniority."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Another Surgeon

Another surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her that she could expect a complete recovery.

She asked him, "How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinski. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Operation

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Three Little Pigs

This is classic - a story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly "I think the man would have said: "Well, fuck me! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Aussie, a Yank and a Canadian

An Aussie, a Yank and a Canadian were telling tall tales.

The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."

The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."

The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with pussies this big," and he stretched his hands as wide as they'd go.

"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.

"They stretch," said the Canadian


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Pleasure is a Mental State

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He explains, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."

A student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Pet Shop

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"

And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her level, and sks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon gives a fuck."




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you. It is definitely working for me. I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started.

Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolate candy.

I feel better already. Pass this along to those who need Inner Peace.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   17    18    19    20  21  22    23    24    25   Latest


This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 3.91.79.74 / 820,280Mb / 23:39:47 / 200 / No Errors