Thursday 5th November 2020 - 05:18:43 

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A Very Merry Christmas Groaner


The Department of Transport decided that due to the Health & Safety Regulations Santa Claus must take a driving test before using his sleigh again.

Santa was very worried about this. If he failed his driving test no children would get their toys on Christmas Eve. So he gathered together his elves, wo cleaned his sleigh until it was all clean and sparkling.

Then he rounded up his reindeer, gave them a brush, polished their harness and made them promise to be on their best behaviour, When everything was as ready as could be and the reindeer attached to the sleigh, off they went for the test.

After what seemed like hours later Santa came flying through the sky, shouting...


wait for it...


"Look No-el plates".



Seasonal Groaner of the Year?


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King and the Captured Girl


The bad and ugly king held a beautiful girl as a captive. Though her beauty shone like a thousand stars (her moon wasn't so bad either) the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming. She waited night and day for a knight who would free her. However every knight was scared away by her dress, which as I've said before was very unbecoming.

She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered...
"See I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress"!!!


Apologies for yet another Groaner :)


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Funny Nicknames from Scotland


Some nicknames that have been given to some characters from Glasgow, Scotland by their workmates and friends:

*Two Soups*
- his real name is Campbell Baxter.

*Norrie Two Bonnets*
- the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

*The Colostomy*
- the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

*The Boomerang Kid*
- whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '

*The Parachute*
- lets everyone down at the last minute.

*Vaseline*
- his real name is Willie Burns.

*Rembrandt*
- loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

*Bo Derek*
- a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

*The Genie*
- magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

*Dulux*
- his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

*Soapy*
- washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

*The Yeti*
- always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

*The Gas Man*
- he's serviced loads of old boilers.

*The Hostage*
- when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

*The Olympic Flame*
- He never goes out.

And finally:


There was a stevedore at Ramsgate harbour whose mates called him "The Ailing Crab" -- He was always taking time off because one of his nippers was poorly.



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Latest Explanation of Sex and Love

A blonde and her redhead friend were talking about sex...

Blonde
Tell me, what is sex ?
Redhead:
Sex is when you dress up go to a bar flirt with a guy he buys you drinks. You go to bed and he leaves some money on your table.


Blonde:
And what is good sex ?
Redhead:
Good sex is when you dress up go to a bar flirt with a guy he buys you drinks you go to bed and he leaves lots of money on your table.


Blonde:
Blonde:
And what is love ?
Redhead:
Love - That's an ethnic minority invention to avoid leaving money on the table.






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A glass of water for Little Johnny



The father was baby sitting while his wife went to a PTA meeting.

Later in the evening the father settled down to watch TV.

But little Johnny repeatedly kept coming down stairs and asking for a glass of water.

After the fifth glass,the dad lost his patience and yelled, "I'm trying to watch the TV. Now go back to bed".

“But Dad”, the little Johnny whined, "my room is still on fire"!


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An Old Golfer's Problem



An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.

The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps".

They both played well. Coming into the par three 18th they were even. The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the green with the next stroke and then putt for a par with the following play.

The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap on his second stroke, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!

The Assistant Pro was stunned. "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps".

"I do,” replied the octogenarian. “Give me a hand".


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Ultimate Birthday Present for the Wife

A few days before his wife's birthday

Husband: Dear, what would you like for your present?

Wife: I really don't think I should say.

Husband: How about a diamond ring?

Wife: I don't care much for diamonds.

Husband: Well then, how about a mink coat?

Wife: You know I do not like furs.

Husband: A gold or pearl necklace?

Wife: I already have three of them.

Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?

Wife: What I'd really like is a divorce

Husband: Hmmm, I wasn't planning on spending that much...




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Hit and Run but Recognized


Traffic Cop: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down"?

Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law"!

Traffic Cop: "How can you be so certain"?

Pedestrian: "I'd recognize that laugh anywhere"!


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Little Johnny and his animal biscuits

Little Johnny returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, little Johnny opened his box of animal biscuits and spread them all over the kitchen table.

"What are you doing" asked his mom?

"The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken", said the little Johnny. "I'm looking for the broken seal".


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A Sadist meets a Masochist


A sadist was walking down the street one day when he accidentally ran into a fellow who had just stepped out of a grocery store knocking him to the ground. The sadist was apologizing profusely while he helped the unfortunate shopper to his feet and aided him in gathering his groceries, now strewn all over the sidewalk.

The shopper began telling the sadist that his scrapes and bruises were no problem since he was a masochist and enjoyed pain.

Upon learning this news, the sadist asked the masochist if he would like to accompany him home for some fun and games. I'm a sadist you see.

The masochists' eyes lit up and he quickly agreed.

After reaching the home of the sadist the masochist was practically beside himself with anticipation. He nearly swooned as the sadist shackled him in a corner and walked to the opposite wall where a cat of nine tails was hanging and took it from its perch.

The masochist was now trembling with anticipation and asked; "Are you going to beat me with that?"



The sadist, with a gleam in his eye, answered; "NO"


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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