Thursday 29th October 2020 - 00:19:51 

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Don't Touch Me She Said

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just woken from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".

"Why not", he asks?

She answers back, "Because I'm dead".

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead".

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead"?

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts"!

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Ponderism - Simple Truths


Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say,


But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."

Five Simple Rules to Remember in Life:
  1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

  2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

  3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

  4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

  5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.

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Quiz: In 1923, Who Was

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days...

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them...

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,

went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,

was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,

died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the
Bank of International Settlement,

shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,

also committed suicide


in that same year,
the PGA Champion
and the winner of the most important
golf tournament,
the US Open,

Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Forget work...

Play golf.

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A Very Merry Christmas Groaner

The Department of Transport decided that due to the Health & Safety Regulations Santa Claus must take a driving test before using his sleigh again.

Santa was very worried about this. If he failed his driving test no children would get their toys on Christmas Eve. So he gathered together his elves, wo cleaned his sleigh until it was all clean and sparkling.

Then he rounded up his reindeer, gave them a brush, polished their harness and made them promise to be on their best behaviour, When everything was as ready as could be and the reindeer attached to the sleigh, off they went for the test.

After what seemed like hours later Santa came flying through the sky, shouting...

wait for it...

"Look No-el plates".

Seasonal Groaner of the Year?

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King and the Captured Girl

The bad and ugly king held a beautiful girl as a captive. Though her beauty shone like a thousand stars (her moon wasn't so bad either) the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming. She waited night and day for a knight who would free her. However every knight was scared away by her dress, which as I've said before was very unbecoming.

She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered...
"See I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress"!!!

Apologies for yet another Groaner :)

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Funny Nicknames from Scotland

Some nicknames that have been given to some characters from Glasgow, Scotland by their workmates and friends:

*Two Soups*
- his real name is Campbell Baxter.

*Norrie Two Bonnets*
- the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

*The Colostomy*
- the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

*The Boomerang Kid*
- whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '

*The Parachute*
- lets everyone down at the last minute.

- his real name is Willie Burns.

- loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

*Bo Derek*
- a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

*The Genie*
- magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

- his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

- washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

*The Yeti*
- always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

*The Gas Man*
- he's serviced loads of old boilers.

*The Hostage*
- when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

*The Olympic Flame*
- He never goes out.

And finally:

There was a stevedore at Ramsgate harbour whose mates called him "The Ailing Crab" -- He was always taking time off because one of his nippers was poorly.

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Latest Explanation of Sex and Love

A blonde and her redhead friend were talking about sex...

Tell me, what is sex ?
Sex is when you dress up go to a bar flirt with a guy he buys you drinks. You go to bed and he leaves some money on your table.

And what is good sex ?
Good sex is when you dress up go to a bar flirt with a guy he buys you drinks you go to bed and he leaves lots of money on your table.

And what is love ?
Love - That's an ethnic minority invention to avoid leaving money on the table.

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A glass of water for Little Johnny

The father was baby sitting while his wife went to a PTA meeting.

Later in the evening the father settled down to watch TV.

But little Johnny repeatedly kept coming down stairs and asking for a glass of water.

After the fifth glass,the dad lost his patience and yelled, "I'm trying to watch the TV. Now go back to bed".

“But Dad”, the little Johnny whined, "my room is still on fire"!

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An Old Golfer's Problem

An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.

The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps".

They both played well. Coming into the par three 18th they were even. The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the green with the next stroke and then putt for a par with the following play.

The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap on his second stroke, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!

The Assistant Pro was stunned. "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps".

"I do,” replied the octogenarian. “Give me a hand".

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Ultimate Birthday Present for the Wife

A few days before his wife's birthday

Husband: Dear, what would you like for your present?

Wife: I really don't think I should say.

Husband: How about a diamond ring?

Wife: I don't care much for diamonds.

Husband: Well then, how about a mink coat?

Wife: You know I do not like furs.

Husband: A gold or pearl necklace?

Wife: I already have three of them.

Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?

Wife: What I'd really like is a divorce

Husband: Hmmm, I wasn't planning on spending that much...

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Old Jokes   204    205    206    207  208  209    210    211    212   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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