Monday 19th November 2018 - 15:56:54 

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Ponderism - Understanding Women

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.








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An Aussie Pickup Line

A bloke was standing at a bar in Sydney and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe"

She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"

He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk".

Almost brings a tear to your eye. Doesn't it!



Contributor: Howard




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A look Back at 2012



last Year's Reflections...

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs



7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40



A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...



Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers' Warranty Runs Out Soon



"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Bangkok brothel!!!


Two Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
They're both in hospital... one's in a korma and the other's got a dodgy tikka!



The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 blokes legging it!



In the first few days of the Olympics, the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead and anything else they could get their bloody hands on



Sailing results are in: GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.



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Obama arrives at the Pearly Gates


When Obama died his arrival at the Pearly Gates was not what he expected...

George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive"?

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed".

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense"!

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence".

The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me".

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 *VIRGINIANS* waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said? You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something"!


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Ponderism - The Best Fourteen

  1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

  2. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

  3. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

  4. If a word is misspelled In the dictionary, how would we ever know?

  5. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

  6. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

  7. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

  8. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" Mean the same thing?

  9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

  10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

  11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

  12. Doesn’t "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

  13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

  14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?




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Don't Touch Me She Said


An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just woken from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".

"Why not", he asks?

She answers back, "Because I'm dead".

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead".

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead"?

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts"!


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Ponderism - Simple Truths

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say,

"Congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."



Five Simple Rules to Remember in Life:
  1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

  2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

  3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

  4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

  5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.




Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.




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Quiz: In 1923, Who Was


1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street?




These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days...

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them...





The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,

went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,

was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,

died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the
Bank of International Settlement,

shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,

also committed suicide



However!!!

in that same year,
1923,
the PGA Champion
and the winner of the most important
golf tournament,
the US Open,
was

Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?


He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:


Forget work...

Play golf.


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A Very Merry Christmas Groaner


The Department of Transport decided that due to the Health & Safety Regulations Santa Claus must take a driving test before using his sleigh again.

Santa was very worried about this. If he failed his driving test no children would get their toys on Christmas Eve. So he gathered together his elves, wo cleaned his sleigh until it was all clean and sparkling.

Then he rounded up his reindeer, gave them a brush, polished their harness and made them promise to be on their best behaviour, When everything was as ready as could be and the reindeer attached to the sleigh, off they went for the test.

After what seemed like hours later Santa came flying through the sky, shouting...


wait for it...


"Look No-el plates".



Seasonal Groaner of the Year?


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King and the Captured Girl


The bad and ugly king held a beautiful girl as a captive. Though her beauty shone like a thousand stars (her moon wasn't so bad either) the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming. She waited night and day for a knight who would free her. However every knight was scared away by her dress, which as I've said before was very unbecoming.

She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered...
"See I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress"!!!


Apologies for yet another Groaner :)


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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