Monday 17th December 2018 - 10:49:57 

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George and his new wife


George decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart".

George gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong"?

George says, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife”.

"Ex wife" she screams! "I didn't know you were married before"!

George retorts, ”I wasn't“!








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Mary Poppins - Best Groaner of the Day

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still" inquired Mary?

"Sorry, no", came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu"?

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please", said Mary.

"Certainly, madam", he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed" asked Mary politely?

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please", Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning, madam. Sleep well"?

"Yes, thank you", Mary replied.

"Food to your liking"?

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though ... they really weren't that nice at all", replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion", said the receptionist.

"OK, I will... many thanks" replied Mary... who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious"!


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Male logic


Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 six packs

Lady: How much per 6 pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So one 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn 't drunk, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where 's your Ferrari then?


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Paraprosdokians

Winston Churchill loved Paraprosdokians, which are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

  1.   Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

  2.   The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

  3.   Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  4.   If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

  5.   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  6.   War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

  7.   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  8.   They begin the evening news with "Good Evening," then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

  9.   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

  10.   Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

  11.   I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay-checks.

  12.   In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify: I put, "DOCTOR."

  13.   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  14.   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

  15.   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

  16.   A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

  17.   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

  18.   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

  19.   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

  20.   I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

  21.   You're never too old to learn something stupid.

  22.   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

  23.   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

  24.   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

  25.   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

  26.   Where there's a will, there are relatives.

  27.   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  28.   There but for the grace of God—goes God."

  29.   A modest man, who has much to be modest about. (allegedly referring to Clement Attlee)

  30.   You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else.

  31.   I'm supposed to respect my elders, but nowadays it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.




Etymology     Wikipedia
"Paraprosdokian" comes from Greek "παρά", meaning "against" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation". The term "prosdokia" ("expectation") occurs with the preposition "para" in Greek rhetorical writers of the 1st century BCE and the 1st and 2nd centuries CE, with the meaning "contrary to expectation" or "unexpectedly." These four sources are cited under "prosdokia" in Liddell-Scott-Jones, Greek Lexicon. Canadian linguist and etymology author William Gordon Casselman argues that, while the word is now in wide circulation, "paraprosdokian" (or "paraprosdokia") is not a term of classical (or medieval) Greek or Latin rhetoric, but a late 20th-century neologism, citing the fact that the word does not yet appear in the Oxford English Dictionary as evidence of its late coinage. However, the word appeared in print as early as 1891 in a humorous article in Punch magazine.


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Ponderism - Understanding Women

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.








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An Aussie Pickup Line

A bloke was standing at a bar in Sydney and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe"

She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"

He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk".

Almost brings a tear to your eye. Doesn't it!



Contributor: Howard




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A look Back at 2012



last Year's Reflections...

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs



7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40



A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...



Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers' Warranty Runs Out Soon



"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Bangkok brothel!!!


Two Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
They're both in hospital... one's in a korma and the other's got a dodgy tikka!



The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 blokes legging it!



In the first few days of the Olympics, the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead and anything else they could get their bloody hands on



Sailing results are in: GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.



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Obama arrives at the Pearly Gates


When Obama died his arrival at the Pearly Gates was not what he expected...

George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive"?

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed".

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense"!

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence".

The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me".

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 *VIRGINIANS* waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said? You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something"!


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Ponderism - The Best Fourteen

  1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

  2. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

  3. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

  4. If a word is misspelled In the dictionary, how would we ever know?

  5. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

  6. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

  7. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

  8. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" Mean the same thing?

  9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

  10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

  11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

  12. Doesn’t "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

  13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

  14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?




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Don't Touch Me She Said


An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just woken from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".

"Why not", he asks?

She answers back, "Because I'm dead".

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead".

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead"?

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts"!


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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