Friday 13th December 2019 - 09:50:03 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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A Neat Piece of Trivia.


(I bet you'll never look at the game the same way again!)

Starting in 1941, an increasing number of British Airmen found themselves as the involuntary guests of the Third Reich, and the Crown was casting about for ways and means to facilitate their escape...

Now obviously, one of the most helpful aids to that end is a useful and accurate map, one showing not only where stuff was, but also showing the locations of 'safe houses' where a POW on-the-lam could go for food and shelter.

Paper maps had some real drawbacks -- they make a lot of noise when you open and fold them, they wear out rapidly, and if they get wet, they turn into mush. Someone in MI-5 (similar to America 's OSS ) got the idea of printing escape maps on silk. It's durable, can be scrunched-up into tiny wads, and unfolded as many times as needed, and makes no noise whatsoever.

At that time, there was only one manufacturer in Great Britain that had perfected the technology of printing on silk, and that was John Waddington, Ltd. When approached by the government, the firm was only too happy to do its bit for the war effort.

By pure coincidence, Waddington was also the U.K. Licensee for the popular American board game, Monopoly. As it happened, 'games and pastimes' was a category of item qualified for insertion into 'CARE packages', dispatched by the International Red Cross to prisoners of war.

Under the strictest of secrecy, in a securely guarded and inaccessible old workshop on the grounds of Waddington's, a group of sworn-to-secrecy employees began mass-producing escape maps, keyed to each region of Germany or Italy where Allied POW camps were located. When processed, these maps could be folded into such tiny dots that they would actually fit inside a Monopoly playing piece.

As long as they were at it, the clever workmen at Waddington's also managed to add:
1. A playing token, containing a small magnetic compass
2. A two-part metal file that could easily be screwed together
3. Useful amounts of genuine high-denomination German, Italian, and French currency, hidden within the piles of Monopoly money!

British and American air crews were advised, before taking off on their first mission, how to identify a 'rigged' Monopoly set -- by means of a tiny red dot, one cleverly rigged to look like an ordinary printing glitch, located in the corner of the Free Parking square.

Of the estimated 35,000 Allied POWS who successfully escaped, an estimated one-third were aided in their flight by the rigged Monopoly sets. Everyone who did so was sworn to secrecy indefinitely, since the British Government might want to use this highly successful ruse in still another, future war.

The story wasn't declassified until 2007, when the surviving craftsmen from Waddington's, as well as the firm itself, were finally honored in a public ceremony.

It's always nice when you can play that 'Get Out of Jail' Free' card! I realize some of you are (probably) too young to have any personal connection to WWII (Dec. '41 to Aug. '45), but this is still interesting.

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Understanding Engineering Design


A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can't be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don't get pissed off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering consultant to solve their empty boxes problem, as the in-house engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share.

"That's some money well spent!" he says to himself, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report. It turns out the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," says one of the workers. "One of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang".


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If you marry an Irish girl


The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......;)


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Difficult choices

One friend said to the other, "What is a dilemma"?

He replied, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.

Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?




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Texas vs California

CALIFORNIA:

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor’s dog, then bites the governor.

The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls animal control.

Animal control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 to test it for diseases and $500 to relocate it.

He calls a veterinarian.

The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 to test it for diseases.

The governor goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for infections from the coyote and getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail is shut down for 6 months while scientists from the Department of Fish & Game conduct a $100,000 project to make sure the nature area is now free of dangerous animals.

The governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.

The state legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.

The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training regarding coyote behavior.

PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million lawsuit against California.

TEXAS:

The governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

The governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging.

The governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow-point cartridge.

The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.


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Blonde caught speeding again



A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you"!


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Jailed Banknote Salesman turns Carpenter - Groaner

The banknote salesman was sent to prison for going into business for himself part-time. While behind bars, the warden made arrangements for the salesman to learn a trade. In no time, the salesman became known as one of the best carpenters in the area. He often got day passes to do woodworking jobs for people in town.

When the warden started remodeling his kitchen, he called the salesman, now carpenter, into his office and asked him to build and install new cabinets and countertops.

The salesman refused.

"Gosh, I'd really like to help you," he said, "but counterfitting is what got me into prison in the first place."


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Is Ammunition Getting Real Scarce

This morning was lucky and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way back to work, I stopped at the gas station where the most gorgeous blonde was filling her truck at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my dually and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo"?

I thought a few seconds and asked, "what kinda ammo ya got"?



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Lost in Harrods

A little Arab kid was crying because he lost his mother in Harrods.


A sales clerk says: "What does your mother look like"?


The little Arab kid says: "I have no idea...


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Old Manny and his doctor


Manny Cohen, feeling unwell, goes to see his doctor...

Doctor: "You are not getting any younger, Mr. Cohen", says the doctor.

Manny says "younger I don't want to get again, doctor, it's 'older' that I want to get"!!!




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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