Tuesday 16th October 2018 - 01:58:17 

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William Penn's Two Aunts


The famous American statesman, William Penn had two old aunts, named Natalie and Ellie, who were well known for baking great pies.

But, alas they got greedy and raised the prices, up and up, until...

Soon all the people in Quakertown were complaining about "the pie rates of Penn's anunts".


Yet another groaner :(


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Poems by Wife and Husband

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in a zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you

AND THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES........

Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC
No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor
He is designed to remain Silent indoor...

.....................................................................

"Husband is one who is the head of the family,
but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."

........................................................................

A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to Hell is Free.

................................................................

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever

...........................................................................

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.

.................................................................
*
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

...................................................................

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

....................................................................

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push... and life goes on........


Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
"Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!


My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.


Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing...
Husband: "MISSING YOU"...


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected.......

Difference Between Complete & Finish...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH.
But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!

Last but not least...

A wife, being the romantic sort sent her husband a text:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!


The husband, typically non-romantic, replied;
"I am sitting on the toilet. Please advise".






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Murphy the Roofer

Murphy the Roofer was working when suddenly he started shaking and feeling dizzy.

He calls down to Paddy the Hod-Carrier and says "I think I must go home, I've just come over all giddy and feel sick".

Paddy shouts up to Murphy on the roof "Have you got vertigo"?

Murphy replies, "No I only live round the corner".


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Crap Joke Central - Update 2013-04-21

Where do German farmers keep their tractors?
Auto barn





A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pigmy standing beside a very large dead lion. Amazed, he asked,'Did you kill that'?

The pigmy answered,'Yes'.

The hunter then asked,'How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that'?

Said the pigmy,'I killed it with my club'.

The astonished hunter asked,'How big is your club'?

The pigmy replied,'There's about 100 of us'.





Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way





China has the worlds largest population. It is not because their men are extra horny, or be ause their women are extra sexy...

they have the largest population because their condoms are made in China.





Paddy O'Murphy's wife gave birth to twins and he demanded to know who the other man was...





South Africa Rhinos Under Threat From Poaching - try frying them instead :0)





Sad news today, a man has died at a chocolate factory after hundreds of boxes fell on him.
He tried in vain to save himself but when he shouted "the Milky Bars are on me", everyone just cheered :)
















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Lost Camper Finds Way



A husband took his wife camping for the first time. Considering himself an experienced outdoors man, he passed along outdoor survival tips at every chance he got. However, one day they got lost hiking in the deep woods. The husband tried the usual tactics to determine direction — moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.

Just as his wife was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led them right back to the campsite.

"That was terrific", she said. "How did you do it"?

"Simple", he replied. "In this part of the country all the TV satellite dishes point south".


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Reason for the Break-Up

The young salesman finally plucked up the courage to tell his fiancee that he was breaking off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can" asked the distraught fiancee?

"Not even on her best day" replied the salesman!

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do"?

"No, she's broke", the salesman said in agreement.

"Well then, is this all about 'relations' " cried out the devastated woman?

"No, nobody does it like you babe", assured the salesman.

"Then what is it" she screamed? "What can she do that I can't"?

The salesman sighed, took a deep breath, looked his ex-fiancee straight in the eyes and said: "She can sue me for child support".

And then it hit him...

the four slice toaster he had bought for her the previous birthday.


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A Neat Piece of Trivia.


(I bet you'll never look at the game the same way again!)

Starting in 1941, an increasing number of British Airmen found themselves as the involuntary guests of the Third Reich, and the Crown was casting about for ways and means to facilitate their escape...

Now obviously, one of the most helpful aids to that end is a useful and accurate map, one showing not only where stuff was, but also showing the locations of 'safe houses' where a POW on-the-lam could go for food and shelter.

Paper maps had some real drawbacks -- they make a lot of noise when you open and fold them, they wear out rapidly, and if they get wet, they turn into mush. Someone in MI-5 (similar to America 's OSS ) got the idea of printing escape maps on silk. It's durable, can be scrunched-up into tiny wads, and unfolded as many times as needed, and makes no noise whatsoever.

At that time, there was only one manufacturer in Great Britain that had perfected the technology of printing on silk, and that was John Waddington, Ltd. When approached by the government, the firm was only too happy to do its bit for the war effort.

By pure coincidence, Waddington was also the U.K. Licensee for the popular American board game, Monopoly. As it happened, 'games and pastimes' was a category of item qualified for insertion into 'CARE packages', dispatched by the International Red Cross to prisoners of war.

Under the strictest of secrecy, in a securely guarded and inaccessible old workshop on the grounds of Waddington's, a group of sworn-to-secrecy employees began mass-producing escape maps, keyed to each region of Germany or Italy where Allied POW camps were located. When processed, these maps could be folded into such tiny dots that they would actually fit inside a Monopoly playing piece.

As long as they were at it, the clever workmen at Waddington's also managed to add:
1. A playing token, containing a small magnetic compass
2. A two-part metal file that could easily be screwed together
3. Useful amounts of genuine high-denomination German, Italian, and French currency, hidden within the piles of Monopoly money!

British and American air crews were advised, before taking off on their first mission, how to identify a 'rigged' Monopoly set -- by means of a tiny red dot, one cleverly rigged to look like an ordinary printing glitch, located in the corner of the Free Parking square.

Of the estimated 35,000 Allied POWS who successfully escaped, an estimated one-third were aided in their flight by the rigged Monopoly sets. Everyone who did so was sworn to secrecy indefinitely, since the British Government might want to use this highly successful ruse in still another, future war.

The story wasn't declassified until 2007, when the surviving craftsmen from Waddington's, as well as the firm itself, were finally honored in a public ceremony.

It's always nice when you can play that 'Get Out of Jail' Free' card! I realize some of you are (probably) too young to have any personal connection to WWII (Dec. '41 to Aug. '45), but this is still interesting.

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Understanding Engineering Design


A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can't be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don't get pissed off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering consultant to solve their empty boxes problem, as the in-house engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share.

"That's some money well spent!" he says to himself, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report. It turns out the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," says one of the workers. "One of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang".


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If you marry an Irish girl


The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......;)


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Difficult choices

One friend said to the other, "What is a dilemma"?

He replied, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.

Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?




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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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