Wednesday 28th October 2020 - 20:42:24 

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Latest and Greatest One Liners

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.


Vegetarian: Ancient tribal slang for the village idiot who can't hunt, fish or ride.


Common Sense is like Deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.


As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.


On the internet you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid.


They say money doesn't bring you happiness..I say neither does being broke.


The first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.


PLEASE..Pick up the phone and text your husband how much you love and care about him.
I do not want to see that shit on facebook.


Does anyone remember that one time, before Facebook, when we all went out and did stuff?


I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds...
then I got a Facebook account and now I'm over it.


It's better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho for the rest of your life.


NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer, or porn.
This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars!


I have sexdaily. I mean dyslexia! Fcuk!


Women are like angels... when something breaks their wings, they simply continue to fly on a broomstick.
They're flexible like that!


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True Story of Two Wisconsin Duck Hunters

Heard on a Wisconsin Radio Station


A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00.

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin . It's mid-winter.............and of course all of the lakes are frozen.

These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.

Now..................making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So........................out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Our two Rocket Scientists...........afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

- they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust,
- they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...?

Let's talk about the dog:

A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it......................The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse........... Just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.

The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!!

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end...................he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with 'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use Of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make The first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay....doing fine.

And to think you thought all Rednecks lived in the South.......


.


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Computer Password Issues

Setting your password:

Tech Support: Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.

Me: Did someone discover that password and hack my computer?

Tech Support: No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.

Me: Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?

Tech Support: Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

Me: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

Tech Support: No, you must get a new one.

Me: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Tech Support: Sorry, you must get a new one.

Me: OK, roses

Tech Support: Sorry you must use more letters.

Me: OK, pretty roses

Tech Support: No good, you must use at least one numerical character.

Me: OK, 1 pretty rose

Tech Support: Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

Me: OK, 1prettyrose

Tech Support: Sorry, you must use additional characters.

Me: OK, 1fuckingprettyrose

Tech Support: Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.

Me: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose

Tech Support: Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

Me: OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose

Tech Support: Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.

Me: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow

Tech Support: Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used



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Beware of the Dog


A stranger walks into a Ma & Pa store and spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of the Dog"!

Just as he got inside, he sees a harmless old hound, fast asleep in the middle of the floor.

"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of" he asks the owner?

"That's him", the owner replied.

"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign"?

"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him".


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Latest Canadian Government Study


When Canadian road workers found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Toronto and Hamilton, there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

So the government had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu, much to everyone's relief.

However, he was surprised that his detailed study determined that 98 percent of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, but only 2 percent were killed by car impact.

The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the reason behind the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set up a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn "Cah", but he could not say "Truck".


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A Good Alternative Investment


The story may be manufactured or may be real but great for a good laugh

A Singapore millionaire, William, secretly maintained a mistress in Hong Kong , bought a posh sea view apartment (in his own name) for her to live in, plus gave her a monthly allowance of US$5,000.

The house cost him about US$700,000 in 2005, the affair lasted for 5 years.

He sold the house this year for $3.8 million, after they broke up.

A quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the woman, he still had a net gain of $2.8 million plus six years of FREE SEX.

When his wife found out about this, he offers the $2.8 million to her.

But she was still not happy... and she was very mad at him and gave him a big mouthful...

She yelled at him at the top of her voice and said... "BLOODY IDIOT, STUPID FOOL, Why the hell didn't you keep TWO MISTRESSES !!!!


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French Accent Bloomer - Not A Penis


When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years"?

"A penis", replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma Cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness'"!


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Holiday Brochure Translation

Brochure circulated by a 5-Star Chinese Hotel

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.


The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.


The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.


Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.


Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.


Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."


Contributor: Howard


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Little Johnny gets his own TV

Little Johnny asks his dad for a telly in his room.

His dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Little Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice"

Dad looks horrified and tells Little Johnny all about sex and the birds and the bees.

Little Johnny just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, "So what were you watching"?

Little Johnny replies, "Tennis"


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Jew Spotted Reading Arab Newspaper

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.

"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper"?

Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.

So I switched to the Arab newspaper...

now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better"!


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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