Tuesday 3rd November 2020 - 19:01:21 

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Childbirth for the Elderly

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby' I asked?

'Not yet', she said. 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first'.

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now'?

'No, not yet', she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now'?

'No, not yet', replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby'?

'When she cries', she told me!!!

'When she cries', I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he cries'?

'Because I forgot where I left her, OK'?!!!

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Female Distracted Driving Incident

Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are......

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror and putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds...
So I could continue shaving and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her mnakeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped my electric shaver, Which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all The confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my Cell Phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs! Splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!!

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Awesome Sports Quotes

"Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play".
- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

"Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch".
- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver

"I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect".
- Doug Sanders, professional golfer

"All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer".
- Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher

"When it's third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time".
- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

"I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad you're having them".
- Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager

"My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget".
- E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

"My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good".
- Vic Braden, tennis instructor

"When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did – but unfortunately it was Mrs Koufax's".
- Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery

"I don't know. I only played there for nine years".
- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

"We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost".
- John Breen, Houston Oilers

"The film looks suspiciously like the game itself".
- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons

"When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo".
- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

"I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats".
- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner

"Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day".
- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.

"I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball".
- Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach

"I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday".
- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game

"I tell him 'Attaway to hit, George'".
- Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting

"I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the operation on someone else, not you".
- Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers

"Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash".
- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.

"The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday".
- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

Contributor: Chuck HAH @ ProstatePointers.org

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Underwear is Important

If you don't laugh out loud at this one, I give up....

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Hamilton Spectator Daily News comes this story of a Burlington couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She then took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. When she looked across the hood, she found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Contributor: Phil from Ferryhill

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Pregnant Symptoms

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem"?

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings".

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant, about 4 months, would be my guess".

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie"?

Debbie replied saying, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin"!

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood, staring out of it.

After about five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor"?

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill. There's just no way I'm going to miss it this time"!

Courtesy of: Chuck HAH, ProstatePointers.org

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Squaw with her Doctor - Groaner

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. after checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality, however".

"Oh, what is that, Doctor"?

"Well, you have no nipples".

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples", she replied.

"That is amazing", said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The American Journal of Medicine if you don't mind"?

She said, "OK. no problem".

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe"?

She answered, "Approximately 500".

"And what is the name of your tribe", asked the doctor?

Running Doe replied, "We're called........

"The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred"!!!

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Traffic Accidents Safety Notice

Please, take care of yourself out on the roads this holiday season.

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and shit like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.

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Latest Interesting Trivia

Early aircraft's throttles had a ball on the end of it, in order to go full throttle the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence "balls to the wall" for going very fast. And now you know, the rest of the story.

During WWII , U.S. airplanes were armed with belts of bullets which they would shoot during dogfights and on strafing runs. These belts were folded into the wing compartments that fed their machine guns. These belts measure 27 feet and contained hundreds of rounds of bullets. Often times, the pilots would return from their missions having expended all of their bullets on various targets. They would say, ?I gave them the whole nine yards,? meaning they used up all of their ammunition.

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint.)

In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace.

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase 'minding your 'P's and Q's'.

Contributor: carl(hah@prostatepointers.org)

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Facebook - Crap Joke Central - Update

Ponderism : 101
It's true that alcohol kills people; but how many are born because of it?

A man was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that" he said?
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says:
"stit ruoy su wohS".

Ponderism 888:
"I promise", "I am sorry" and "I love you" all have eight letters...
but then again, so does "bullshit".

Adam Got Caught Speeding Yesterday...
the policeman asked him to step out of the car and walk in a straight line. Half way down he stopped Adam and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to come back to the station with me as you're staggering".
Adam replied, "Oohh, you little tiger, you're not so bad looking yourself".

Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.
When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a cheese and tomato pizza.
"I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said. "This must be a mistake."
"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch."

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half full.
Of course the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Join us at : Facebook's Crap Joke Central

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Latest and Greatest One Liners

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

Vegetarian: Ancient tribal slang for the village idiot who can't hunt, fish or ride.

Common Sense is like Deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

On the internet you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid.

They say money doesn't bring you happiness..I say neither does being broke.

The first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.

PLEASE..Pick up the phone and text your husband how much you love and care about him.
I do not want to see that shit on facebook.

Does anyone remember that one time, before Facebook, when we all went out and did stuff?

I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds...
then I got a Facebook account and now I'm over it.

It's better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho for the rest of your life.

NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer, or porn.
This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars!

I have sexdaily. I mean dyslexia! Fcuk!

Women are like angels... when something breaks their wings, they simply continue to fly on a broomstick.
They're flexible like that!

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Old Jokes   209    210    211    212  213  214    215    216    217   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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