Wednesday 28th October 2020 - 10:30:46 

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Marriage Quotes from Famous Husbands

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
King David

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sasha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Red Skelton

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
Sam Kinison

I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Contributor: Joolz

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Gandhi at Law School

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their "arguments" were very common.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat ", to which Gandhi replies, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away ", and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters, green of rage, decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "the one with the money, of course".

Mr. Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom.

"Each one takes what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.

Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gives it to Gandhi. Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

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Overheard in the IT Department

Two Geeks chatting:

Geek 1 - "So, how was your weekend"?

Geek 2- "Unbelievable. I went to a bar on Saturday night, and met this really hot girl".

Geek 1 - "Yeah, Wow - what happened"?

Geek 2 - "Well, I bought her a few drinks, and then we ended up back at my place".

Geek 1 - "Really ?? So what did you do"?

Geek 2 - "Well, we started to get a bit cozy and then began to mess around".

Geek 1 - "Wow!! What happened"?

Geek 2 - "Well, you're not gonna believe this, but we were fooling around near my desk, and then things began to heat up, and we knocked my new laptop over onto the floor and..."

Geek 1 - "HEY - Wait a minute. You didn't tell me you bought a new laptop"!!!

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A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta.

It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove. When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

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New York Emergency Call Center Worker Dismissed

An Emergency Call Centre worker in new York has been dismissed from his job, much to the dismay of his colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with the treatment.

It seems a male caller dialed "911" from a mobile phone saying, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I'm waiting for a train to come so I can finally meet My Maker".

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response.

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All Clean Jokes from Fabulous Jewish Comedians

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Woody Allen, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny, Mansel Rubenstein and so many others.

There was not one single swear word in their comedy!

Here are a few examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back".
  Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60"!
  Patient: "I am 60"!
  Doctor: "See! What did I tell you"?

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears".
  Doctor: "Don't answer"!

* A drunk was in front of a judge.
  The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking".
  The drunk says "Okay, let's get started".

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
  They're worth it.
* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
  In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

* A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you"?
  "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak".
  The son said, "Why are you so weak"?
  She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days".
  The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days"?
  The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call".

* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
  She asks, "What part is it"?
  The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband".
  The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part".

* Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days".
  "Force yourself", she replied.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody".

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler will let go.

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Childbirth for the Elderly

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby' I asked?

'Not yet', she said. 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first'.

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now'?

'No, not yet', she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now'?

'No, not yet', replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby'?

'When she cries', she told me!!!

'When she cries', I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he cries'?

'Because I forgot where I left her, OK'?!!!

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Female Distracted Driving Incident

Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are......

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror and putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds...
So I could continue shaving and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her mnakeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped my electric shaver, Which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all The confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my Cell Phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs! Splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!!

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Awesome Sports Quotes

"Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play".
- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

"Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch".
- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver

"I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect".
- Doug Sanders, professional golfer

"All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer".
- Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher

"When it's third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time".
- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

"I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad you're having them".
- Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager

"My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget".
- E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

"My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good".
- Vic Braden, tennis instructor

"When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did – but unfortunately it was Mrs Koufax's".
- Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery

"I don't know. I only played there for nine years".
- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

"We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost".
- John Breen, Houston Oilers

"The film looks suspiciously like the game itself".
- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons

"When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo".
- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

"I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats".
- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner

"Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day".
- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.

"I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball".
- Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach

"I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday".
- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game

"I tell him 'Attaway to hit, George'".
- Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting

"I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the operation on someone else, not you".
- Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers

"Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash".
- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.

"The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday".
- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

Contributor: Chuck HAH @

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Underwear is Important

If you don't laugh out loud at this one, I give up....

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Hamilton Spectator Daily News comes this story of a Burlington couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She then took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. When she looked across the hood, she found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Contributor: Phil from Ferryhill

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Old Jokes   209    210    211    212  213  214    215    216    217   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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